TRANSMISSIONS FROM A GALAXY FAR, FAR, AWAY:

EPISODE XIII

This is the 13th column in a weekly series from The Rock Father James Zahn. Check back Fridays for the latest in what’s happening in the galaxy far, far away, or read them all here.

Depending on who you’re speaking to, the number 13 can be one met with excitement or trepidation. For the superstitious, it can invoke feelings of dread, not unlike those felt when entering the infamous cave on Dagobah—an area that Jedi Master Yoda encouraged young Luke Skywalker to avoid. No matter where you sit in terms of numerical preference, we can all agree that the Star Wars universe is filled with unlucky characters, and for my 13th Transmissions from A Galaxy Far, Far Away, we’re going to spill a little virtual ink here at The Pop Insider in honor of 13 very unlucky inhabitants (in no particular order).

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader: Imagine this… One moment you’re just a kid that wants to rip around the desert in some “wizard” Pod races. You grow up a slave, see your mom kidnapped and abused by Tusken Raiders, and eventually your best friend beats you up, cuts off your limbs and leaves you to burn on the side of a lava pit. Of course, your wife also happens to be dying during childbirth at this exact same moment, all while your mentor is plotting to have you rebuilt in a form that’s more machine than man. Fast-forward a couple of decades and your own son chops off your hand and ends up being responsible for your death by destroying the life support system that you’ve had to wear for the past 30 years.

Greedo (A New Hope): A feared bounty hunter under the employ of Jabba the Hutt, “poor Greedo” never made it out of the Mos Eisley Cantina after trying to collect on some dirty smuggler known as Han Solo. One shot and he was fried. Yes, Han shot first.

Jango Fett: Such an incredible human specimen that he was used as the basis for every Clone in the Republic Army, Jango was feared throughout the galaxy as one of the best bounty hunters around. He could handle a blaster like an old west gunslinger, but in the end he wound up nearly trampled by an animal just seconds before Mace Windu cut his head off with ease.

Boba Fett: Like father, like son? When it comes to going out like a chump, few things can top sliding down a sand dune and into the mouth of the all-powerful Sarlaac. We later find out that Fett climbed out (as revealed off-screen), but for kids in 1983, it certainly appeared that one of the biggest badasses of Star Wars just fell down a hole… and was eaten.

Oola (Return of the Jedi): Speaking of being eaten… Oola was a house dancer at Jabba’s Palace on Tatooine. Unfortunately, following a rousing performance by The Max Rebo Band, she was lured over a trapdoor and fed to Pateesa, the Rancor lurking in the pit below. All in the name of entertainment.

Moroff (Rogue One): Don’t get too attached to cool-looking Star Wars supporting characters who show up as action figures or set photos prior to a film’s release. Moroff was a member of the upstart Rebellion during the events of Rogue One, a heavy gunner whose exploits are likely stored on a hard drive somewhere. They certainly weren’t seen in the film, though you might catch a glimpse of Moroff slowly sneaking away during a battle scene on Jedha.

Admiral Ackbar: A legendary leader, Ackbar is no doubt the most famous member of the Mon Calamari race. Decades after his heroics during the assault on the second Death Star, he dies by getting sucked out of a window.

Darth Maul: Defeated by Obi-wan Kenobi, twice. Cut in half at the end of The Phantom Menace, Maul was thought to be dead by most film-only Star Wars enthusiasts. Resurrected for The Clone Wars animated series (and recently in live-action for Solo), Maul would have many adventures before coming saber-to-saber with Kenobi once more on Star Wars Rebels. Defeated by an old man.

Therm Scissorpunch (Solo): When your existence is revealed to the world thanks to a trading card for Denny’s, the outlook for longevity isn’t good. Still, this lobster-looking chap inspired parody social accounts and did at least get to play a few hands of Sabaac with Lando Calrissian. Apparently, he lost.

Supreme Leader Snoke: What a windbag. After all the hot air he was spewing to his Apprentice, Kylo Ren, the feared leader of The First Order failed to notice he was being cut in half. Sad.

Ponda Baba: After managing to escape being obliterated by the Death Star on Jedha during the events of Rogue One, Ponda and his buddy Dr. Evazan wound up on Tatooine. After heading over to the Mos Eisley Cantina to knock back some cold ones, silly Baba made the mistake of pulling a blaster on old Ben Kenobi. The sight of his arm on the floor haunted a generation.

Captain Phasma: Beaten by a janitor, twice.

Constable Zuvio: Cut out of The Force Awakens, but still has toys.


Honorable Mention: Star Wars 1313. Maybe it was cursed by the name, but this much-anticipated video game was set to follow a young Boba Fett as he navigated the underworld of a dangerous level of Coruscant known as 1313. The game was cancelled when The Walt Disney Co. ceased development of LucasArts projects… in 2013.

Is there anyone else that should be on the list of unlucky Star Wars characters? Be sure to let us know!

FURTHER TRANSMISSIONS
FROM AROUND THE GALAXY:

  • With J.J. Abrams leading the crew for production of next year’s Star Wars: Episode IX at Pinewood Studios in London, official rumblings from Lucasfilm have been pretty quiet lately. But quiet on the official front has made way for plenty of rumors, the latest of which is that some form of unannounced project that would’ve taken things back to Tatooine was cancelled.
  • A new episode of The Star Wars Show is out, and in it we get a look at what it’s like to be a concept artist on a Star Wars film, along with some new details on Solo via the film’s “Making-Of” book and novelization.

 

Pictured Top: Boba Fett from the now-cancelled Star Wars 1313.