It’s time to find out how fun it would be to live in a nuclear fallout! Caution: spoilers ahead! Here’s what went down in the premiere of American Horror Story: Apocalypse.
Since Los Angeles is the self-proclaimed center-of-the-universe, its only fitting that it’s where the world is set to end, right?
The episode begins with self-absorbed billionaire socialite, Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt (Leslie Grossman), at the hair salon having a serious discussion about how many likes her selfies will get on Instagram with her stylist, Mr. Gallant (Evan Peters), as her personal assistant shoves some organic health drink that’s “trending” in her face.
The—already awful—discussion is rudely interrupted by news alerts reporting that a ballistic missile will hit LA in 40 minutes—which serves as the perfect time for co-creator Ryan Murphy to poke fun at the gravity of the situation by throwing in a campy montage of extremely over-acted reaction shots.
 Luckily, Coco’s billionaire father has arranged for a private jet to take her to a fallout safe zone. Naturally, her personal assistant and stylist manage to be in the right place at the right time and seize the opportunity to avoid mutually assured destruction.
Gallant makes the most of this chance and stops by his lavish Hollywood Hills mansion to scoop up his stylish grandmother, Evie Gallant (Joan Collins, Dynasty).
Joan Collins looks amazing, and has effortlessly won my heart as we’re introduced to Evie Gallant while she’s in the middle of complaining to her maid about her champagne being burnt as her maid rushes out of the house with the response, “I have to go home Ms. Gallant, it’s the end of the world.”
Mr. Gallant urges his grandmother to come with him, “It’s real grandma, people are going to die, today,” which she seems only mildly convinced by, but gives an agreeable shrug as she replies, “Let’s have some burnt champagne!”
As the four lucky souls escape on Coco’s private jet (leaving Coco’s husband behind) just in the knick of time, they watch as the last remainders of civilization are engulfed by an enormous mushroom cloud.
We travel back in time 40 minutes before the bombing to meet Timothy Campbell (Kyle Allen, The Path),  gleefully celebrating his acceptance to UCLA when men in S.W.A.T. team gear burst in and inform him that he is one of the “chosen ones” selected to survive the nuclear fallout based on his superior DNA, then swiftly tear him away from his family and off to the safe house.
The “chosen ones” are greeted with an ominous, “Welcome to Outpost 3” by Wilimena Venable (Sarah Paulson), where she tells them, “you can think of me as the face of the co-operative” as she explains they are the “purples”—the elite—while the “grays” are the worker-bees.
Now that our new friends are at the mercy of the co-operative Wilimena and her side-kick Miriam Mead (Kathy Bates), the fun can begin—AHS-style of course.
We learn that Satan is in the building thanks to a completely gratuitous (and unnecessary) sexy moment as we’re treated to a topless Kyle Allen getting out of the shower, revealing “666” written on the steamy mirror.
Beware. #AHSApocalypse pic.twitter.com/KmkFZmlSsw
— AmericanHorrorStory (@AHSFX) September 13, 2018
Things start to get a little sinister one evening when the purples sit down for dinner and Ms. Venable announces that one of them is contaminated. Miriam begins to wave a radiation detecter over all of the guests, until coming to the conclusion that Mr. Gallant and Stew are contaminated and must be cleaned off. Gallant and Stew are stripped naked and endure what looks like a very painful and rigorous decontamination scrub-down. Miriam determines that Stew is still contaminated and he begs to not get washed again, and without hesitation Miriam says “You won’t have to” as she takes out a gun and shoots him in the head.
The incident shifts dynamics among the purples dramatically. Ms. Venable returns to announce that they will be treated to “a nice hot meal this evening.”
The starving guests immediately start to devour their meals, followed by a sudden pause as they start picking out human bones in their meals, at which point it dawns on them that the stew, is in fact, Stew. Ms. Venable enjoys playing evil and sadistic games with the guests. Shocking!
All things must be rationed. #AHSApocalypse pic.twitter.com/pvmylw8gjo
— AmericanHorrorStory (@AHSFX) September 13, 2018
The episode ends with the arrival of an unexpected visitor, Michael Langdon (Cody Fern), and we’re left with the sense that the tables are about to turn for Ms. Venable and company, who have just unwittingly welcomed the Antichrist into Outpost Three.
Photos: FXÂ
