UGH OK. The day I’ve been dreading is finally upon us: The day I have to put on my big girl pants and admit that I have to watch a full season of Colton being the Bachelor. As you may recall, I don’t love Colton, but I do love roasting people! When I met this season’s round-up of ladies (on ABC’s website), I couldn’t help but notice how young everyone is. Then I had to remind myself that unlike everyone’s least favorite sugar daddy Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., Colton is himself only 26, so everything is fine.

Anyway, allow me to introduce you to 30 women, 26 of which I won’t remember when introducing you to the next cast of Bachelor in Paradise next summer:

ALEX B.

29, DOG RESCUER, VAN COUVER, BC

Alex’s whole bio is about how she’s saved around 5,000 dogs, which is very dope, do not get me wrong, but also only one thing said over and over again. There was nothing else interesting to say here?


ALEX D.

23, SLOTH, BOSTON, MA

Alex D. has a real job at an IT staffing agency, but the lower-third signifier she’s given is “Sloth,” so like………………………………………………………………………………………. remember when you were 23? I S2G if her “sloth”-ness makes what is sure to be an excruciatingly long premiere even more painfully long, I will lose my mind. I wrote a bunch of jokes about how she’s a Patriots fan, but couldn’t pick my favorite, so we’ll go with a simple: “HEY ALEX. 41-33.” 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅


ANGELIQUE

28, MARKETING SALESPERSON, HAMILTON NJ

I just… *sigh* “Angelique is a small-town Jersey girl with a love of corny jokes. Here’s one for you, Angelique: Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!” This is embarrassing for the Bachelor writing team. That’s not even a joke, let alone a corny one. (That’s also her whole bio, which contains no information.)


ANNIE

23, FINANCIAL ASSOCIATE, NEW YORK, NY

Annie rides horses, does finance things I’ll probably never understand, loves country music and swing dancing (Is it truly possible for someone to contain such multitudes?!) , and is originally from the Midwest, but is now a big city girl. Props to casting for finding someone who ticks off every box for being a hometown dates finalist.


BRI

24, MODEL, LOS ANGELES, CA

I will probably regret saying this so quickly, but just based off these bios, Bri is one of my favorites because she’s basically Blake Lively’s character from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants if she grew up and went on a televised dating show. She’s from California, she’s a beautiful blonde model, she’s a soccer player, and she loves camping and the outdoors. Her biggest date fear is farting too loudly—which seems like peanuts next to mine: crippling fear of commitment.


CAELYNN, 23

MISS NORTH CAROLINA 2018, CHARLOTTE, NC

This bio literally says these three sentences back-to-back: “She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen. She once flew to Japan for a first date!” I mean… I might be doing it wrong, but I don’t think that that’s a typical human thing to do.


CAITLIN

25, REALTOR, TORONTO, ON

I am realizing as I read on that my biggest gripe with any of these contestants is the bios they were given by the Bachelor team. LOOK AT THIS: “Here’s hoping she musters the courage to belt out a few tunes in front of Colton…or, maybe not?” What in the WORLD does that even mean? Anyway, Caitlin seems fine.


CASSIE, 23

SPEECH PATHOLOGIST, HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA

Cassie surfs! That means she’s cooler than I am. And she works with kids! Colton works with kids! OK!


CATHERINE

26, DJ, FORT LAUDERDALE, FL

OMG. OK Catherine—who, when I saw her picture, (and I know this isn’t fair*) I thought: “she looks like a cool mom!”—is a commercial real estate agent by day and AN. ASPIRING. HIP. HOP. DJ. BY. NIGHT. WITH. HER. DOG. DAUGHTER. LUCY. Please, please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease be as insane as Corinne and carry me through this season. Help me, Catherine, you’re my only hope.

*It’s only because she’s 26 and everyone else is 23, but looks 18.


COURTNEY

23, CATERER, ATLANTA, GA

Courtney started her own business catering healthy meals for athletes, was born in Germany, has a lot of younger siblings—and just those three facts make her infinitely more interesting than anyone else here, and for that reason she will probably go home early.


DEMI

23 INTERIOR DESIGNER, RED OAK, TX

Not Demi Lovato. One of her “interesting facts” is that she knows how to drive a stick shift. Colton will undoubtedly love her.


DEVIN

23, BROADCAST JOURNALIST, MEDFORD, OR

Devin is a sports reporter who loves yoga and probably has a lot better things to be doing with her time than talking to Colton.


ELYSE

31, MAKEUP ARTIST, SOLDOTNA, AK

OK, I read Elyse’s bio (which, by the way, she seems pretty cool and chill) and thought “31 and lives in Scottsdale, Arizona?! Can’t wait to find out that she knows Arie!”


ERIKA

25, RECRUITER, ENCINITAS, CA

Erika’s friends call her “The Nut,” so like, see you in Paradise, Erika! Her special talent is to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight, so like, GTFO, Erika!


ERIN

28, CINDERELLA*, PLANO TX

I’m not even touching this bio, because it is COMEDIC ART: “Erin works full time for her stepmother’s home improvement business. She’s not afraid to get her hands dirty, but cleans up nicely. When she’s not working, Erin enjoys ballroom dancing (as long as it’s not too late of a night). Erin also loves expensive shoes but admits she can do a better job keeping track of them. She loves pumpkin spice lattes.” Look at that comedy set up—game beat after game beat.

*Cinderella is one of my least favorite Disney princess, so I hate Erin.


HANNAH B.

23, MISS ALABAMA 2018, TUSCALOOSA, GA

Can’t wait to hear all the tea she and Caelynn spill about each other because they already know each other. 🙄 Also Alabama-born, Hannah B. went to University of Alabama while becoming Miss Alabama, so she was v good at being from Alabama—UNTIL SHE MOVED TO GEORGIA, TRAITOR.


HANNAH G.

23, CONTENT CREATOR, BIRMINGHAM, AL

Hannah G. is both the photographer and the model for her own Instagram page “burgeoning” social media business, which is literally the job you have after being on The Bachelor so I’m confused as to why she is here if she has already accomplished the goal.


HEATHER

22, NEVER BEEN KISSED, CARLSBAD, CA

Heather bungee jumps, sky dives, and river rafts—but has never kissed a man. She’s an ultimate thrill seeker and is still like “No, you know what? Men and their emotional baggage? Hard pass.” She’s the only one doing it right.


ADRIENNE “JANE”

26, SOCIAL WORKER, WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA

What is happening here? Why is Jane in quotes—and then she is never referred to anything aside from Jane the whole time? Her headshot is also listed alphabetically in the Js. ….Is your name just Jane then? She has a dog named Bella, but IS THAT THE DOG’S REAL NAME?!


KATIE

26, MEDICAL SALES REPRESENTATIVE, SHERMAN OAKS, CA

Katie is a dancer with a day job living in Los Angeles who enjoys yoga and sushi. Throw a rock almost anywhere in Los Angeles, you’ll hit a Katie.


KIRPA

26, DENTAL HYGIENIST, WHITTIER, CA

I literally had to come back to Kirpa because this bio was too boring for me to make a joke about. Attempt 2: still boring. Attempt 3: “Is a dental hygienist” is all I got, but is also a fact and not a joke. 


LAURA

26, ACCOUNTANT, DALLAS, TX

Laura once moved to Spain on a whim—and then made a mistake of moving back to the U.S.  where she now will date Colton on The Bachelor.


NICOLE

25, SOCIAL MEDIA COORDINATOR, MIAMI, FL

Havana, oooh-na-na. Half of her heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na.


NINA

30, SALES ACCOUNT MANAGER, RALEIGH, NC

OK, so Nina and her mom fled Croatia for a better life here, which is super important and good for her. But all I can focus on is how she, her mom, and her grandma watched The Bachelor together for years and how excited her mom and grandma are going to be to see her on it—and I think that’s so adorable I hope it goes well for her (it’ll break my heart when it doesn’t)!


ONEYKA

24, IT RISK CONSULTANT, DALLAS ,TX

LOL Oneyka’s whole bio is about her parents and contains next to nothing about her, but I know her type. There’s always that one person who is like “my parents got engaged after two weeks and have been married for 35 years, so I know you can fall in love in a short time!” And sure—but that wasn’t on a television show, so I’m going to wager it was very different.


REVIAN

24, NURSE, SANTA MONICA, CA

Revian is listed as a nurse, but her job is actually esthetician—and those are definitely two different things and does she know that?


SYDNEY

27, NBA DANCER, NEW YORK, NY

Sydney is an NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. My high school gym teacher was an NBA dancer and she had a different matching Nike tracksuit and sneaker ensemble on every day—and, while irrelevant here, I remember that vividly.


TAHZJUAN

25, BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT ASSOCIATE, CASTLE PINES, CO

Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says, “I love bad ideas.” Nothing further, your honor.


TAYSHIA

28, PHLEBOTOMIST, CORONA DEL MAR, CA

Tayshia draws blood for a living which makes her a damn hero in my books because I hate needles. When she’s not slaying the blood queen game, she volunteers at church and likes wine tastings. Dare I say, Tayshia… sounds… pretty… chill?


TRACY

31, WARDROBE STYLIST, LOS ANGELES, CA

OH OOPS. Tracy accidentally already became this season’s Garrett. As we know though, doesn’t matter on this show! I hope you and Colton are very happy together, Trace.


Overall, everyone is, like, really pretty, but I’m already bored. I’ll be keeping a side-by-side tally of how many times they say “Tia” or “Becca” in the premiere, and would put money on Tia winning that count.

Here’s to Colton… I guess,

A

Photos: Courtesy of ABC