Since I droned on and on about how much I hate Garrett yesterday—and since we only got one beautiful episode of The Crown Jewel of the Bachelor Franchise, Bachelor in Paradise—we’ll kick off the Paradise recaps with a briefer overview of my thoughts, most of which have to do with, you guessed it: Jordan.

Why is anyone else on this show?

I would not hate if this season was just called Jordan in Paradise and it was just a rotating cast of people visiting Jordan at a Mexican beach resort and interacting with him. He could fall in love. He could start new feuds. He could give people life advice. Jordan was so great last night and said the best things and the episode wasn’t even focused around his romantic relationships.

I hate David.

This is a real thing that David said on national TV, whilst discussing living with his mom full time: “I am already in Paradise, but I unfortunately can’t marry my mom.” What world do we live in where people are on David’s side of the David/Jordan feud.

Also, love that they didn’t make whole dumb feud we’ve already seen for a whole season a thing on day one, and then saw in the previews that David brings it up again to just piss off Jordan when he’s just trying to find love. I hate David so much.

More on why I hate David: Just everything about him.

Does ABC think Colton : Jared :: Tia : Ashley I.?

Because hoooo boy are they mistaken. Tia is nowhere near the queen that Ashley I. is. Look, you may have been super annoyed about how much Ashley I. cried, but she was real and honest and laid all of her emotions out there and if you’re being really honest with yourself: WE ARE ALL ASHLEY I. Tia is… Tia is just… I don’t know.

If ABC thinks I will care for 3+ years about Tia and Colton, they should know they have already grossly overestimated how much I care about them by making most of this first episode about them, as well as making them a major plot point of Becca’s season. Colton is not great. Would he make a Backstreet Boys video for Tia for her birthday? I firmly believe no.

I refuse to make this the new will they/won’t they because Ashley I. and Jared got engaged. Less Colton and Tia, more Jordan. Full stop.

Bachelor Nation is SLACKING.

Speaking of Ashley I. and Jared, in Kevin’s little intro package, he dropped that Ashley I. kissed Jared while they were still dating, and Twitter exploded saying Kevin spilled major tea and everyone was shocked. Come on, guys. They mapped that whole thing out in the special Ashley I. and Jared episode of “The Story of Us” where they discuss their journey to love. It’s only 45 minutes long. Grow up, do your homework, then @ me on Twitter.

I finally *get* Grocery Joe.

I realized I actually do love Grocery Joe last night when I discovered both how little Joe knows about anyone in Bachelor Nation and how few episodes of any of the Bachelor shows he’s watched. Joe knows about as many people in Paradise as I do, and that’s because they were all on his season. I kind of ship him and Kendall already, but mostly I ship his friendship with Jordan.

Who are literally any of these people?

Truly though. Any common folk could’ve walked into that resort off the street and been like “I’m from Arie’s season,” and I would’ve been like “OK checks out.” Why did they scrape the bottom of the barrel for people to put on this show. It’s like, less than 50 percent of the people this season need redemption stories, so why even bother having them on. Less strangers, more Jordan. Full stop.

Wells is still the best thing to come out of this franchise since they decided to just let the editors have at it on Bachelor in Paradise.

You get it.

The Best Part of Paradise

The production/editing team on this show. Although I hate their drama, the whole build up of Tia being sad Colton wasn’t there, trying to move on with Chris—and then Colton showing up, getting a date card off the bat, and potentially not asking Tia out on the date was a poetic work of art. However, let’s focus that artistic nuance where it really matters, producers: Jordan.

Honorable Mention

The fact that the theme song is “Almost Paradise.”

The Worst Part of Paradise

David. The dates. I hate the dates. Who cares. Take me back to where there’s just 20 people sitting around, getting drunk, and desperately trying to fall in love. That’s MY paradise.

That’s all I got for now. I’m still reeling over my heartbreak from Peter Blake.

If Jordan and Crystal don’t end up together I will scream,
Ali

Photos: ABC