I fell wildly behind on everything last week, so I was going to grace you with a two-week recap, but quite frankly, this week outshone last week’s episode, so we’ll focus up here. In this week’s ep, Colton is looking for a strong woman, because he’s already surrounded by strong women and needs another strong woman in his life. Hi hello yes. You can never have enough strong women in your life. 

Ahoy! It’s a Group Date!

Chris Harrison comes in and asks the women how they’re feeling and what the last week was like, and they all answer him while he doesn’t listen and slowly backs out of the room as they soothe themselves to sleep with the sounds of their own voices. Before he goes, he leaves a group date card! Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracey, Demi, and Caelynn are all setting sail (!!!) on the first group date!

I am SCREAMING at this pirate intro. What is even happening?!

This whole group date opens with Colton calling the fighting pirates “knuckleheads,” and then throws them into the water. All of the ladies swoon, and I lean closer to the TV to see if I’ve ever done improv with any of this pirates.

Honestly, this is a date I would thrive on. I love costumes, theatrics, and puns like “I don’t want to be another one of those yo-ho-hos.” This date involves them battling American Gladiator-style for the chance to eventually save damsel in distress Colton, and Hannah B. 100-percent kicks the sh** out of everyone.

That is, until Caelynn comes along, and does worse at the battling stuff, but still manages to beat Hannah B. to the final round (OMG what is this? Miss USA all over again?!) and eventually “wins” the date. At this point I’m #TeamHannah, because she deserved to be able to save “Captain” Colton and it’s unfair she did not get the chance to do so.

Once Caelynn “saves” Colton—I’m still not entirely sure of the plot here—she and Colton share an awkward kiss, and Hannah and I both take a huge swig of what we are drinking at the exact same time because we’re both over it.

I feel like it’s fair to say in this block that I would like to live literally any part of my life with the confidence that Demi does absolutely everything. During this post-date cocktail party, she is a reality TV star.

Let’s start with Tracy: Demi says something pretty backhanded about women there who aren’t Colton’s “type,” and since Tracy is in her 30s and knows that types don’t really exist, she tries to just have a healthy discussion about it. Sorry, Trace. Not today! Demi claps back at her and basically calls her too old to be there, which is 100-percent not cool, but Tracy, no longer in her 20s, truly has zero time for this and does not engage. Demi and her bright purple eyeshadow cannot handle that, get really angry, and just say, “ I feel so bad for you,” in the most pitiful voice and I am scream. Cat. emoji.

Any conversation that Colton has on this date is truly boring and I am completely zoned out, until Demi steals him away and gets really weirdly sexual! She blindfolds him and spanks him and TEASES HIM WITH A FAKE HAND. The editors put some really great sultry music behind it. She’s making enemies and I truly love her for it. I am here. For. Demi’s. Drama. Of course, the women decide she needs to be spoken to about it, but hey ladies! Demi is Valentina on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 4 levels of delusional, and you can’t reason with the delusional.

Back at the mans, everyone is wine drunk causing them to forget that they were on The Bachelor because they are all very upset that other girls are also dating Colton. Elyse gets the “love is the air” one-on-one date card. Is it time for a helicopter or plane ride already? Time flies when you don’t know anyone’s name.

In another glimpse of the first group date, Caelynn and Colton have a touching heart-to-heart. Colton apologizes for kissing her in the wrong moment, which OK, wins bme over a lot because that is so important. He asks her if he can try again and it’s all very romant—SMASH CUT to Heather and Hannah B. whispering in nearby bushes like villains on a kids’ TV show. I’m ready, Hannah! Let’s get out there and tell Colton the truth about Caelynn.

And boy, does she ever. Sure, it takes her awhile to spit it out, but when she does, she tells him about how she and Caelynn were roomies at Miss USA, about their fallout, about how Caelynn was “hostile.” Colton asks her to explain what she is talking about and she truly cannot. Hannah, I assume drunkenly, tells Colton that if he’s into someone like Caelynn, he definitely can’t also be into her and it F*CKS HIM UP. He gives her a one-arm hug and sends her on her way, so guess that didn’t go great for Hannah.

He pulls Caelynn aside—because when confronted, she’ll probably definitely tell you the truth! She cries, tells him she has dark things in her life (not sure how that’s completely relevant here), and blah blah blah gets the group date rose.

The Kids (and Elyse) Are Alright

What I loved most about this one-on-one date is that it was so classic Bachelor, and truly, I’ve been jonesing for some classic Bachelor moments lately. This show is so off the rails, it was so nice to be comfortably back in a familiar one-on-one date.

Elyse opens this date in her ITM talking about how she hopes she and Colton get a chance to chat about real stuff—because my girl is six years older than him and she’s like “I don’t wanna waste my time.” Fair. Valid.

They take a helicopter to San Diego to go to an amusement park that is closed down just for them. CLASSIC. Then, Colton surprises her by saying “JK it’s a group date,” then a hoard of small children come running out. That’s right! Elyse gets to see how great Colton is with kids. ICYMI: It’s wonderful, because Colton works with kids all the time. There are also these adorable little girls who get a montage in the credits asking each other (and Elyse!) if they can “steal Colton for a second.” My heart melts.

Turns out, Elyse is also great with kids! And they both love that about each other! Talk had!

At dinner, no one eats anything—and Elyse opens up about something super personal, but doesn’t jump into being like “I LOVE YOU” too soon. CLASSIC. She tells Colton about her sister who passed away from cancer and that they found while she was pregnant, so they weren’t able to treat it (further proving how damn hard it truly is to be a woman).

But wait! Colton has one more surprise up his sleeve and OF COURSE it is dancing awkwardly in front of a crowd at a country concert. Excuse you, but I am in love with Elyse and she is my new favorite of the bunch.

Bachelor’s Strongest Woman

Then we’re back to the usual chaos: A physical competition that’s actually just a wedding obstacle course. The second group date is a fierce competition for Bachelor’s Strongest Woman, commentated on by OLASCH and everyone’s favorite Bachelor guest, Fred Willard.

The date starts off with Colton being shirtless, again, because I firmly believe this is ABC’s way of making me be like “I am OK with Blake not being The Bachelor, I guess.” Onyeka, upon seeing him shirtless, full sprints off the party bus they drove up in, unapologetically thirsty, and she’s the real MVP.

Oh wait, sorry. Terry and Rebecca Crews (ICONS) show up to train them and run this competition (which involves some sort of facade in which Caitlin is able to pull a full limo on her own, which I absolutely do not) that Onyeka then wins. Good for her. She gets a dope trophy.

My favorite part about this whole group date is Nicole. She’s v worried up top because she’s like “I’m not the most athletic one of the bunch…. OH! But I do walk my dog,” and that is adorable. They also make her do a pull-up on national TV, which is MORTIFYING and I feel for her. I took that Presidential Fitness Test in elementary school. I know about public pull-ups.

The after-date cocktail party is… boring. So boring, that Colton gets bored and sends someone home for basically being boring. Farewell, Caitlin, we barely knew ye.

Nicole gets the group date rose, and I’m here for that.

Pool Party

This pool party is ridiculous. The women are all amped for it because #shirtlessColton, but everything gets derailed because he tries to figure out the source of all this Pageant Queen Beef, by confronting them both and demanding honesty. Surprise! Both of them think the other is awful and their stories don’t line up.

New to dating women in general, Colton is floored and needs to take some time in the producer’s tent to rant about how he doesn’t understand HOW HE COULD NOT GET CLARITY, until the production team decides to wake up OLASCH from the nap he was taking to handle this sh*t. OLASCH calms down Colton without really doing anything, and then it’s time for the rose ceremony and everyone’s upset because no one got to talk to him!

Rose Ceremony

Caelynn, Elyse, and Nicole have those group date roses, and Caitlin is off somewhere crying in her Uber to the airport. The remaining roses go to:

  • Hanna G.: a clear frontrunner
  • Taysha: Girl, interrupted.
  • Katie: Um, sorry, who?
  • Cassie: No screentime.
  • Kirpa: Who?
  • Sydney: Sushi lover
  • Demi: Confident.mp3
  • Tracy: A dinosaur, according to Demi
  • Courtney: I… who?
  • Heather: Hannah B.’s sidekick
  • Onyeka: Strongest Bachelor Woman
  • Hannah B.: Both deceitful and not deceitful, depending on who you ask.

Hannah B.’s ITM here ends with her yelling “I hate her so much,” so I guess we’ll see the Pageant Queens on that two-on-one!

I miss Peter,
A

Photos: ABC