Much like Corinne to almost every cocktail party/rose ceremony in Nick’s season of The Bachelor, this recap is late. While the dates in general were pretty boring this week, everything that happened around them was as incredible as the captions on Jordan’s Instagram. Let’s dive in!

Mani/Pedi Group Date

This is a non-date. Here’s a quick overview: Tia, Kendall, Bekah M., Sienne, and literally a girl I do not know and am not sure I have ever seen before, but I assume is also from Arie’s season, show up to be pampered by Colton, Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, and Jean Blanc. They stick their feet in buckets of water, then the guys give them massages and paint their toenails. Then the tables turn and they paint the guys’ nails. And literally no one cares.

Here were the good parts of this date! Jordan. Just Jordan in general. We find out that Jordan had 4,000 matches on Tinder in 2017. Think about that for a second. Four thousand. In one year. He defends (???) this to the other guys by saying it’s because he’s selective when he swipes. I’m no math wiz, but in order to have 4,000 matches on Tinder, you must have swiped right on at least 4,000 people. And since, on average, guys swipe right more and match less, I have to imagine that’s maybe a 50 percent ratio of swipes to actual matches. However, Jordan’s completely-sane-and-totally-not-at all-delusional math proves me wrong: He claims he has a 100-percent success rate. I love this man.

To make things even better, David decides to tell Becca about this. Which leads to her bringing it up to Jordan by walking by the group of men and giving him a high five for all his Tinder success, and then breezing away. It was as if we almost got to actually see Becca’s personality this season! This was also a perfect way to do this because it removed her from the situation so I could just watch these men handle it the best way they know how: like children.

Jordan and his accent nail claims that it’s hard for him to not be 100-percent successful in everything that he does, whether it’s Tinder, work, or just being the best G-D TV out there. He then reminds us that he loves to make up words by saying he has one thing David doesn’t: professionality. David, once again, tries to explain reason to this completely delusional man, and then just end up fighting and setting up, what I (naively) hope, is whatever happens with that ambulance.

The elephant in the room on this date is Almost Bachelorette Tia, because she is literally in the room and it’s so awkward. The whole Colton used to date Tia situation comes to a head here, where Becca talks to Tia about it, and then eventually Colton. This should’ve mattered more, but was very overshadowed by Jordan and David. A couple of important things:

  • Becca asks Tia multiple times if she thinks Colton is here because he thought Tia was going to be the Bachelorette, and both times Tia has to stop herself from answering with “Of course!” and “Probably!” She not-so-smoothly changes these answers into “I don’t know” and “Possibly,” respectively.
  • I am still confounded by this logic. Becca is upset because Tia has previously dated and is no longer at all dating Colton. However, a few months ago, Becca was dating the same man as 20 some other girls that she was also living with at the exact same time. Furthermore, she agreed to marry that man, who had only made the decision to pick her over the other girl the morning that he proposed (and we all saw how that turned out). Also, Becca is currently dating other men. This is just how this show/Bachelor Nation works, Becca.

Colton says a lot of generic statements that don’t matter to explain himself to Becca and earns himself the group date rose!

Becca’s One-on-One Date with Richard Marx Chris R.

Chris R. gets this week’s coveted one-on-one date, where he and Becca head to Capitol Records. Becca marvels over the history in that building—then rattles off artists like Katy Perry and Sam Smith, which is a small detail I am still smirking over days later. They head into a recording studio where songwriting superstar Richard Marx is tickling the ivories on a beautiful piano, while questioning the choices he’s made that led his life to this point. Becca swoons over the song “Right Here Waiting,” which has been “stuck in her head all day” (probably because the producers were subliminally brainwashing her while she slept). I get it though: On one particular emotional day, this song came up on whatever Spotify playlist I was listening to and I cried on the subway. He invites her to sit down and sing with him, and she shares his piano bench with him, cozying up tight, as Chris can only stand by off to the side and watch his date sing with Richard Marx.

He then challenges them to write their own lovesong—and has them start by writing down their feelings for each other. Since it’s Week 3, I imagine these feelings will be real, deep, and, above all else, genuine. Chris has to excuse himself to the hallway to write down his verses because—surprise!—he has trouble opening up and owning up to his emotions. This is because he had a rough childhood when his dad left when he was 7, and then was like “new life, who dis?” when Chris recently wrote him a letter to try to get some answers.

Have no fear though—this is The Bachelorette, where people get over childhood trauma and heartbreak faster than I was able to get over Ashley I. and Jared finally getting together (That still has not happened BTW. Please @ me to discuss this Bachelor miracle!). After writing three (I’ll admit pretty decent) love song couplets about how he feels about Becca after only three weeks of knowing each other—most of that time they have spent apart—he is once again able to love. Praise be, because he gets a rose and will be here for another week!

Bunk Beds Are Hard

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, David is being hauled away in an ambulance, leaving behind a scene that the men describe as the equivalent of a bear attack. There is a “blood everywhere.” Then, right before a commercial break, there is a brilliant edit of Jordan, casually lounging on a couch with his feet up, as the rest of the men panic and “hope he’ll make it through.”

When we return from commercial, Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison arrives at Becca’s door, always the bearer of bad news. He sits Becca down and explains to her that David is in the hospital. She gasps. He explains that his face is pretty messed up, and that there was blood everywhere. “Who did this?!” she asks, trying to muster up any emotional response at all from inside her boring emotions.

Surprise: David did it to himself. That’s right. In my favorite thing that has ever happened on this show ever, a somber-faced OLASCH must explain to our beautiful Bachelorette that a grown man she is considering marrying was unable to handle the difficulties of sleeping on a bunk bed, fell out of it, and landed on his face.

“This can’t get any better!” I scream out loud, as the camera cuts to Jordan drilling a guard rail onto David’s bed. I am screaming. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am alive.

Not-So-Subtle Reminder that Clay Plays in the NFL Group Date

Next up is a football-themed group date, featuring Clay (duh), Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake. The men join Becca on the ol’ gridiron for a lesson in football training and humiliation from Malissa Miles and Dina Karwoski, two players from the all-female Legends Football League. #QUEENS

After a training montage that only Clay succeeds in (because ICYMI: he plays professional football), the men split into teams and compete in the “Becca Bowl,” which… I… come on, producers. OLASCH and Keyshawn Johnson are this week’s sports commentators, and my friend texts me asking if OLASCH is making a bid for yet another job, perhaps at ESPN. My dude never misses an opportunity to audition for another ABC hosting gig.

The game is embarrassing, but it is most embarrassing for Lincoln, who surprising to no one, is just as garbage at football as he apparently is as a person. Luckily, he’s on Professional Football Player Clay’s team, and Clay is able to rally his team back into a victory, while injuring his wrist in the process. It is important to note here that this man went so hard in a football game with a bunch of people who don’t know how to play football on ABC’s The Bachelorette that he potentially ruined HIS ACTUAL CAREER.

After Clay is carted off by the medics—yep, you counted right, that’s two injuries in one episode—Becca and the rest of the guys finish off the date. The only stand-out part of this date is that Blake (I think, accidentally) calls Becca his girlfriend, and she and I both swoon so hard that he blushes and just doubles down on it. Friendly reminder that if Blake is not currently engaged, he can hit me up literally anytime.

Clay returns to the group date with his wrist in a sling, and Becca is over-the-moon-happy to see him. She gives him a kiss and the group date rose, which I guess is good consolation for him throwing away his livelihood. 🙄

Cocktail Party

David has not returned yet, so we’re forced to watch an entire cocktail party that is just mostly focused around Clay and his wrist. The doctor told him that he has to get surgery ASAP in order to salvage his career wrist functionality, meaning he would have to leave the show. He guesstimates that his football career will probably last another three years—but muses over the fact that this love could last forever! (Probably wont, dude.) All in all, he makes the right decision: He can’t compromise his career, which supports multiple members of his family as well as himself, for—what I guesstimate would be—another three weeks on a dating reality show that he definitely would not win.

Rose Ceremony

Hey! There was no rose ceremony this week, which is my least favorite thing that ever happens on this show. WHAT. IS. THE. POINT. No one likes this format. I pray to OLASCH that they stop doing this as a fun way to build suspense.

It should be noted that there are two reasons I am kind of ok with there being no rose ceremony this week:

  • More time for that one-on-one with OLASCH, in which he had to explain to Becca that a grown man didn’t know how to sleep in a bed.
  • I’m currently not running a Bachelorette fantasy league, where having no rose ceremony literally screws up everything and ruins my life.

Until next week, Bach Babies, where David returns apparently looking super effed up, and we hopefully get two rose ceremonies and are back on track!

I’m always in my element,
A

Photos: ABC