The men arrive in Vegas this week screaming “Vegas baby!” any chance they get. They’re all super amped up because they’re staying in a very nice place and bros love Vegas. Chris says that Vegas is his type of city (trashy, fake, less impressive when you really give it a good hard look) and we get our first foreshadow of the episode! Let’s take a gamble, shall we?

Desert Hot Tub One-on-One

The first date card shows up and it’s for Colton (oof!). A car whisks Becca and Tia’s Boyfriend Colton out of the shiny Vegas city into the desert with a bunch of camels. Becca says that she hopes this date will help them “get over the humps of past relationships,” and I know there are not enough camels there to carry all the baggage these two have from their respective pasts.

Since nothing really happens on this date anyway, we already cut back to the mansion where everyone is going in on Jordan for getting the last rose, and then David decides to do it for too long and I am already over him. “How’s it feel to get the last rose?” he asks. “A couple seconds behind you, who got the second to last rose,” Jordan replies. It doesn’t exactly make sense and is definitely not a sick burn, but I’m so over David so #TeamJordan!

Back to the desert, where Colton and Becca are now drinking white whine in a hot tub… in the desert. (First random hot tub of the season!) I can’t think of anything less comfortable than a hot tub in the desert. Colton’s just lucky he didn’t have to chop any wood to heat the tub up. Becca rambles on for awhile about how good their chemistry is and I wonder if someone should get her a glass of water because I think she’s getting a little mirage-y. Once they are entirely dehydrated from the desert heat, hot tub, and wine, they head to a fancy dinner!

During this portion of the date, Colton delves into the relationship with Aly Raisman the unnamed last woman he loved and how she failed to say “I love you” back. Since she’s never named, I can’t be sure, but perhaps she was busy taking down the patriarchy, pointing out the flaws in organized sports, and standing up for other women, which are all better reasons for a relationship ending than any dumb excuse Arie gave Becca—but, still, she feels like she can relate with that story and is (surprisingly!) blindly into Colton so he gets a rose, even though four seconds ago we were unsure if he was here for Tia. Ok, moving on!

Wayne Newton Is Disappointed in Your Group Date

Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leon, Jason, and Chris are all invited on a Mr. Las Vegas group date. They arrive at this swanky mansion when WAYNE NEWTON RIDES UP ON HORSEBACK. HORSE. BACK. Connor and I have the same reaction in unison: “Wayne f*cking Newton!”

Surprise! It’s another songwriting date because I guess we’re not only scraping the bottom of the “good men” barrel, but we’re also scraping the bottom of the “creative date” barrel. Wayne challenges them to rewrite the lyrics to “Danke Schoën,” because singing a love song to someone you actually have feelings for is different than just singing it!

“Oh yeah, Wayne Newton. Prove it!” asks literally no one. But, alas, he does anyway, bringing in his wife Kathleen and awkwardly singing to her in front of basically a subpar frat pledge class. Then he sends them off in different directions as the splay across different patches of grass and try to muddle together lyrics. This is especially hard for Lincoln, who gets caught up on what “Danke Schoën” means in the first place. 🙈

We quickly cut back to the mansion, where David is coming at Jordan again, this time about the golden underwear. He says a lot of stuff that leads Jordan to clear up the fact that while David is being petty, he’s just trying to prep for his date with Becca, leading up to the brilliant line: “David’s head is in my underpants.” Never change, Jordan Kimball.

My dude Wayne Newton makes the rounds and listens to everyone’s songs, and says probably the most on-brand thing for an episode in the Bachelor franchise: “I’m pretty impressed with almost all of them,” and then just lists a bunch of basic skills that they have accomplished. The Bachelor: Where mediocrity is celebrated! He then goes on to say, “There’s nothing I heard that I would rush on stage and perform tonight,” which is just true and accurate.

Blake is pretty confident in his songwriting, until he learns that he has to sing on stage in front of a live audience and I just want to hold him in my arms because, just like in karaoke, your singing ability literally doesn’t matter, but I’m here for you bb.

A collection of the things I yelled aloud as they each took their turn singing:

  • Venmo John: “Adorable and bouncy!
  • Garrett: “As garbage as his personality!”
  • Lincoln: “Hard pass!”
  • Connor: “Nah!”
  • Wills: “Bad!”
  • Jason: “No!”
  • Blake: “Oh no. Baby.”
  • Leo: “Oof.”
  • Chris: “Why wouldn’t you take the seat?”

I have to admit, Chris blew the competition out of the water here in the musical portion of our date, which is no surprise, since he’s already had songwriting practice, so he could focus less on his lyrics and more on his showmanship. However, Wayne offers him his seat so he can croon directly to Beeca, and he passes on it to work the crowd instead. At the time, I feel like this is a small mistake. I realize now in retrospect that it is only a foreshadowing of terrible decisions.

At the cocktail party, all of the men chat up Becca in some much needed one-on-one time. Becca prefaces this party with “I hope there is no drama,” and I yell “YAAAAAS DRAMA!” at the TV because I am in a mood. Most conversations are less than memorable: Garrett pulls her aside first, Leo proves he has no swag, etc., etc. Finally, it’s down to our last two—Blake and Chris—and Blake takes his fine self outside to play his trump card: opening up with his emotions to Becca. He says so many sweet things I almost forget how bad his song was, then he says that although Jean Blanc ruined it for everyone, he needs her to know that he’s falling in love with her. She’s not allowed to say it back, but tells the viewers at home she is also falling in love with Blake and I am so confused because I want him to love me, but I’m so happy for them. (I eventually decide I prefer my own relationship with Blake’s—which, reminder: does not exist—to his relationship with Becca, making me not only certifiably insane, but also selfish.)

Fun fact: Although Chris has been touting himself as the frontrunner this whole date because he slayed his song, Chris doesn’t approach Becca for any one-on-one time, which is dumb. Blake gets the group date rose (duh) over him and he is so confused and offended that he threatens to go home. Dude, there are still, like, at least six roses to give out tonight. Chill out.

Spoiler alert: He can’t! But more on that later. It’s time for the main event!

Valley of Fire Two-on-One

“David & Jordan: Meet me in the Valley of Fire.”
– The Date Card. I guess the producers didn’t find these men worthy enough for that stupid poem they usually put on the two-on-one.

The date starts with the two men getting driven out into the desert, I assume since there are no witnesses, and arriving at a classic Bachelor franchise canopy bed set up in literally the middle of nowhere. In a world full of chaos, these kind of consistencies warm my heart. Becca tells the men not to speak because she hates them encourages them to take the opportunity to “take in the silence,” which they don’t get back at the mansion with all the other guys. Remaining true to his brand, David does not stop talking. He incessantly talks about how happy he is to be there taking in the (thanks to him, non-existent) silence, so much so that Becca and I say in unison, “OMG DUDE. DO YOU WANT TO JUST GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK?!?! FFS.”

David, master of failed strategy, then decides to spend all of his time talking about Jordan. @everyone who will ever be on this show ever: THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME. He drops a whole bunch of “not here for the right reasons” stuff, and I’m just like “Do you have literally nothing else about yourself that’s interesting to talk about that we have to talk about Jordan?” And then have the realization that Jordan’s asinine musings were correct: David does lack his own personality. It’s a moment for me.

In addition to wasting Becca, his, and my time, David also does a truly heinous thing: He hits Becca exactly where he knows it’ll hurt her, even though it’s not the entire truth. Playing on her actual real and devastating break-up with Arie, he tells her that Jordan said that being with her would be “settling.” Becca is gutted because, if you remember correctly, Lauren said that Arie chose Becca because she was the “safe choice,” and we all see how that worked out in the end for everyone.

She summons Jordan and they talk about it and—look, I won’t defend much about Jordan’s clear and obvious narcissism—he actually also seems deeply offended. Basically he’s like “Nah,” and gets very upset and confronts David both with and without Becca present, saying that that was a super low thing to say, and he’s not wrong. He says a lot of things that make the typical amount of sense for Jordan, then finishes off with this beauty: “You’re worse that Arie, dude.” YAS 👏 QUEEN 👏DRAG 👏HIM 👏

So long, David. You are a fool who will go out with the legacy of Dude Who Fell Out of the Bunk Bed™️.

There’s no other way to lay this down: Jordan played intentionally brilliant strategy here. He made an enemy he knew was weak enough to take down. The second David fell out of that bunk bed, his fate was sealed. He was Jordan’s prey. Jordan spat nonsensical things at David wounding him, but remaining unharmed by retaliation using his greatest weapon of all: delusion. He then worked David so far into a frenzy, that his own personality void became filled with just a hatred of Jordan. Then, when he went in, as Jordan knew he would, Jordan was “I don’t even know what he’s talking about,” because David was probably so overwhelmed that he did make a ton of stuff up about Jordan. The final nail in the coffin was Jordan taking the high road and defending Becca when she was feeling low about Arie.

Unfortunately, Jordan is unable to reap the benefits of any of his success, as his dinner date with Becca is a complete and total dud. He forgot to figure out other things to talk about besides modeling and his appearance, and she didn’t give him the rose anyway. The most important thing I learn from this is that Jordan says that Zoolander is actually super accurate, and that makes my heart full.

Farewell, sweet prince. Until we meet again (either in Paradise or in my stalking of your inevitable relationship with Corinne).

Cocktail Party, Or, Where Chris Loses His Damn Mind

Oh, yikes. Woof. Chris had a tough time tonight. You think he’ll be able to move for a fast redemption arc when Becca pulls him aside first, saying she wants to talk things out to him. Then, Chris makes the biggest mistake novice improvisers make (I have a limited reference pool), he talks too damn much.

He starts off with the problematic, “You owe me 50,000 kisses.” First of all, sir, she owes you nothing. Nobody owes you anything. Second of all, on a group date, it is your responsibility to talk to Becca, not hers to talk to you. She is busy (dating eight other guys, but u get it). She calls him out for being awful and not being 50-50 in this relationship and he talks for awhile about how that doesn’t matter to him when it clearly matters a lot to her and I can’t focus on anything because his pocket square and shirt are two close-but-not-close-enough-or-different-enough-to-be-OK color pinks—and somewhere out there a little piece of Jordan dies.

After she’s like, “Whatever, I’m done talking to you now,” and walks away and engages in a delightful conversation about being nerds (what else?) with Wills, Chris saunters on up and asks to speak with her again, because he’s not “done yet.” Sir, ya done.

Wills very kindly and generously gives this man—who I am now concerned is moving toward a manic breakdown —two minutes to say his final thoughts to Becca, even though Becca looks like she super doesn’t want to, but can’t run away because she’s trapped, unable to move, in her dress choice for the evening.

Knowing that he is both losing his mind and that Becca is held prisoner by fashion, Wills sticks close by and definitely cuts the time off at two minutes. Chris will not take a hint and insists on trying to barter for more time—and Wills does the thing I’ve been waiting for on this show for over a decade: He denies him more time.

He is the perfect definition how you can remain calm and still hold your ground. He firmly tells him, “No, your time is up.” Chris continues to throw a hissy fit, and Wills continues to look like a hero clad in plaid as he refuses to give him more time. Again, Chris: Despite being a cis white straight man, no one owes you anything. I’m too busy screaming “YAS WILLS!” to hear really what goes down here, but eventually both men are back with the group, no one sides with Chris, and he then plays the victim and I laugh and laugh because fragile masculinity is 2018’s best punchline.

Rose Ceremony

Colton & Sweet Baby Blake are rosed up. The remaining roses go to:

  • Garrett: Barf.
  • Jason: Andrew Keegan.
  • Wills: 🔥
  • Lincoln: Probably the next to go…
  • Leo: …if the next to go isn’t Leo.
  • Connor:

(It should be noted that here is the literal first appearance by Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, at 9:54 p.m., six minutes before the end of this show. LOL at how much he does not even try anymore.)

  • Chris: I am personally offended.

Chris being chosen means we have to say farewell to Venmo John, and that is the most offensive thing that has happened to me in awhile. Hopefully Venmo John has garnered enough of a support group for being super nice, handsome, successful, and a good catch that he leaves this show and finds good and real love elsewhere gets a bid for Paradise.

See you next week when we venture off to Virginia, and from what I can tell from the previews, we begin the journey of Blake Goes Home Too Early in This Show.

Being me is my greatest power,
A

Photos: ABC