Everyone is on EDGE. A flip switched among the men between this week and last, and now they are so caught up in their own insecurities and relationships with Becca that they can’t talk about each other’s dates, and can barely look at each other in the eye. The race for hometowns is on! Let’s recap.

Jane Colton the Virgin

Truthfully, Colton gets the first one-on-one date, but most of the edit here is the rest of the men back at the hotel talking about how Colton needs to tell Becca that he is a virgin. Let’s take a moment real quick here to talk quickly about how that’s an OK opinion to have, but truly none of their damn business.

Colton, however, agrees: It’s time to tell Becca that he is indeed a virgin, and see if that’s a deal breaker for her. I’m also super impressed at this point, because he tries to do it right off the bat. However, right as he is about to, a man in a wildly painted boat driving quickly toward them while screaming interrupts him. Is this man supposed to be part of this show? Or is this just a happy accident that they decided to keep filming through?

Anyway, he gets on board their boat and starts yelling about diving for conches, and we definitely make entirely too many sexual jokes about the word “conch,” which is a stretch to begin with. Like, I get we’re really driving home here that Colton is a virgin, but also he’s an adult and can make his own decisions and this feels weird mocking.

Our new BFF then takes them diving for conches and makes them eat the pistol, which looks like snot, because it’s an aphrodisiac (OK WE GET IT) and they both look like they’re going to throw up, so everyone’s off to a great start! They have such a tough time understanding everything he tries to explain to them that I am now definitely sure he was not asked to be on this show, and has just shown up on his own accord. And tbh, bless—I hope he gets an invite to Paradise.

At dinner, Colton finally comes clean about his virginity (“because of sports” is a real thing he says) and Becca stares at him wide-eyed for awhile—like awhile—and then has to excuse herself from the table. She then tweeted this out IRL…

…but none of us are buying it. Ultimately, she decides it doesn’t matter and gives him a rose. Can’t wait to hear all about Colton’s non-profit and visit his high school football field in hometowns!

Garrett the Worst

What do any of us really know about Garrett? Oh right, all of this. I hate Garrett so much and Becca loves him as much as I hate him and that is so hard for me to watch. I think even if I didn’t know about Garrett’s terrible social media use, I would hate him. He just seems smarmy. Is smarmy a word? Don’t @ me.

Becca and Garrett start their date off with a trip to a private beach on a sea plane. I miss their conversation because I keep yelling, “The plane’s name is Tia! The plane’s name is Tia!” while good friends Chris B. and Tim C. probably regret coming over to my apartment to watch this show.

Blake the Nervous

I’m worried about Blake. Throughout the first three one-on-one dates, he kind of cracked a little bit. And when I say, “kind of cracked a little bit,” I mean, “damn near lost his mind.” I’m worried he’s going to get too caught up in the Becca Dating Other People thing and just sabotage himself via a breakdown. Also, I’m trying not to make the very apparent parallel between this season and Rachel’s season (Peter : Blake :: Bryan : Garrett), but much like Blake, my own thoughts and insecurities are ruining my life, and I’m ready for another heartbreak. I miss you every day, Peter.

Anyway, Blake and Becca ride horses on the beach, because Blake loves a good animal cameo, and they laugh and talk about Blake’s insecurities, and I get nervous again. Becca explains to him how she “almost sympathizes” with Arie, because now she really gets how you can have strong feelings for more than one person at a time, and although Blake looks like he is intently listening, you can see his soul crumbling behind those beautiful eyes.

They then end up going to a “fun” beach party concert thing featuring the Baha Men, which like what, but also I am very here for it. They play their new song (???), and it’s not good, and it must be hard to have peaked with “Who Let the Dogs Out?” but sometimes, we have to just let go (I’ll never let go, Peter).

Blake and Becca then head to dinner, where Blake decides to go for it and tells Becca that he is in love with her. She is AMPED UP that he is no longer “just falling for her” and definitely “in love with her,” and I am jealous sad because I know I’m going to have to watch him lose to Garrett in the end and that is devastating.

At some point, Blake brings up how his family isn’t good at sharing their feelings, and how his mom, in a very One Tree Hill-esque plot twist, fell in love with Blake’s basketball coach/English teacher and left his dad for him and it was the town hot goss for like years.

My wish is granted—because even if being the first to drop the full “I love you,” doesn’t always guarantee you a fiancé, it does definitely guarantee you a pass to hometowns, so get ready to meet Blake’s very emotionally closed off family—and hopefully ex-basketball coach!—next week.

Three-on-One Date: Wills, Leo, and Jason

The three leftover men—aka Becca’s three least favorites—embark on a boat ride to meet their fate. I swear it’s the saddest most solemn boat ride in the entire world.

Then they meet Becca on a private island, which I think is just a vacant part of the beach, and play a group game of volleyball. What they’re actually volleying around is their FEELINGS OF INSECURITY AND DOUBT, but I guess sports are fun too.

Then we dive right into the super intense one-on-one chats. Wills talks about how his parents are going to be celebrating their 50th anniversary next year—which in the Bachelor world means that they’ll have lots of vague advice to dole out on hometowns!—and Jason talks about their future together and how he sees a lot of wife qualities in her and it’s a little cringe-worthy.

And then it’s poor, sweet Leo’s turn. Tim C. is a big ol’ Leo fan because Tim appreciates the nuances of reality TV—and Leo is the perfect reality TV narrator. He always let us know how everyone was feeling and how we were supposed to feel going into every situation. Although Leo only started to grow on me last week, I was pretty amped he was still around because he seems really genuine and honest, and isn’t Garrett. Leo goes into this convo v anxious—because, again, he knows how he (and all of us) should feel in this situation. He looked around at all the other guys in the house this week and realized he was very different: you know, because he is a unique individual with a cool personality and an interesting job and life outlook. He’s also not ready to propose in a couple of weeks and heyo, you know what that means: Bye, Leo. Don’t let the door hit your man bun on the way out. (The good ones all feel this way, buddy. #NeverOverPeter)

The remaining three lovebirds jetison off on their boat, leaving Leo stranded on the private island that probably isn’t doing any favors for his beautiful tresses. At dinner, Becca is all about listening to her gut feelings about which guy to send home next. Jason—who does not open up about his feelings as much, but is pretty much the same cookie cutter fit as the other three guys with roses—and Wills—who is very unique, super confident, and a great dresser (they keep trying to play him off as a nerd, but he just actually likes Harry Potter, which is not that nerdy)—battle it out through very “deep” one-on-one conversations for the chance to bring the Bachelorette home to meet Mom and Dad (or whatever actors ABC hires to play their mom and dad).

I feel like the choice is so clear here. But then she picks Jason.

It’s been real Bahamas 🌴, but the Beccster @bkoof and I are headed north of the wall, to Buffalo ❄️ to meet the most important people in my life! . . For the majority who aren’t from Buffalo, I apologize if my enthusiasm and continuous reference to the city is overzealous! That said, I hope the pride that I have for my city resonates with the pride you have for yours. Buffalo has taught me to be resilient and adaptable and has instilled on me the foundational impact and value of friends, family, and community involvement. We may attract blizzards, and endure tough Super Bowl loses (4 to be exact…in a row); but, we’re a community that does everything in its power to thrive as one. I am so honored and excited to showcase Buffalo, NY, to @bkoof on @bacheloretteabc . If you have as much pride as I have for Buffalo, let me know where your hometown is bc I’m coming to freaking visit! #onebuffalo #Buffalo #gobills

A post shared by Jason Tartick (@jason_tartick) on

We get it. #GoBills 🙄

This was the wrong choice. I’m sorry, but you can’t be all hyped up on honesty all season, and then keep a man who hasn’t really told you how he felt over a man who was like “I’m definitely falling in love with you.” You just can’t. Also like, no offense Buffalo, but if you already know that Jason nor Wills would actually win this whole thing (which we all do), why on Earth would you choose to go to Buffalo over LA. WHY?! Choose the better city. In the words of Drake, I’m upset.

I’ve never seen water like this before,
A

Photos: ABC