Hey, Bach bbs. I’m back.

I cannot believe we are at week 9 of this season. Much like Arie’s season, I just want this to be over. I’m ready to go to Paradise.

Let’s recap.

We start off the ep in Chiang Mai, Thailand. It’s super cool. I add this to my list of “dream vacation” spots, to which I’ll probably never end up going. We see a lot of random b-roll of Becca strolling around. She says that she is “in love with two men and falling in love with a third.” I bet I can guess who it is (Jason).

B Koof gives us a bit of a recap of each man. She talks about how she’s in love with Garrett (that’s one! ✅), but unsure if he can last a lifetime. She talks about how she’s wild and crazy with Jason, and that he’s her “best friend,” but she’s only falling in love with him (told you!). Then she talks about how she’s 100-percent herself with Blake and she’s starting to see her future with him: “I am in love with Blake [that’s two! ✅] and I can’t imagine not having Blake in my life.” Ugh, same.

BLAKE ❤️

Blake and Becca are so damn happy to see each other as they head off on a hike to a sacred temple. When Becca breaks the news to Blake that they can’t kiss or touch over the threshold of the sacred grounds, he is devastated. Don’t worry, bb. It’s Fantasy Suite night! Plenty of time to make up for it.

As they hike to the temple the tension is palpable. When they show up to the temple, the monks welcome them, but have a look on their face that seems to say, “This is not what I expected when I became a monk. What is even happening?”

A monk teaches Becca and Blake the four most important things in a relationship: honesty, adaptation, patience, and giving. I quickly scrawl these four things in lipstick across my bathroom mirror because that list is my new mantra. Afterward, they ring a bell to spread their love to everyone, as Blake looks back on the experience they just had, astutely observing, “That was like… a real monk.”

Blake’s insecurities [the real stars of this season post-Jordan] are starting to creep up again, however, and due to the sinister music and thunderstorms that lead us into dinner, we know a real conversation is coming up. Blake explains to Becca that he isn’t worried about the guys loving her more than he does; he knows that’s not true. He’s worried about Becca feeling the same way about Garrett the other two guys that she feels about Blake. Spoiler alert: She does! That’s how the show works. OK!

It’s important to note that during this date Blake explains that his last breakup left him so heartbroken that his mom came to eat dinner with him like four times a week. That is ADORABLE. Is this only important to me? Maybe. But boy, is it important to me.

Becca says a lot of things that very much do not give Blake an answer to the question he’s asking, which is basically “Do you love me more than anyone else here?” She talks about how Arie said “I love you” to her when she said it to him at this time, so she felt confident going into the Fantasy Suite with him, and Blake’s face is like “ooooooook…. so say it to me so I feel better?” and she doesn’t, lol. Pretty sure she’s not giving him a straight response because she’s an idiot she loves Garrett the most.

Hey, but Blake mentions he’s not afraid of being engaged, further proving he’s not Peter he could be the Bachelor! With the smooth line of “When I get into a relationship, I look for a reason to stay, not a reason to go,” Blake earns himself a key to the Fantasty Suite!

The next morning, instead of making Blake feel better when he’s still upset about his insecurities (they got more screen time than half the contestants this season!), she basically tells him she didn’t feel insecure like that until the final week during Arie’s season, and brushes it off. Meanwhile, Blake CRIES in his ITM because he’s afraid he’ll never wake up next to her again and R U KIDDING ME WHY IS ANYONE ELSE STILL HERE?!

[Spoiler alert: I took more notes about Blake’s date* than anyone else’s so 🤷🏼‍♀️]

*When I typed that above sentence the first time, I wrote “Peter” instead of “Blake.” Lol miss u.

JASON 😳

The next date goes to Jason! Uh oh.

This date starts off with the couple walking through a street market (???). Is there literally nothing else to do in this city? Becca’s dates are all walking through a street market. And truly, if you’re in Thailand and doing something that I could do on a date and not taking advantage of the full production staff creating dates for you, I just cannot. Anyway, they eat crickets, and keep using the term “best friend.”

After they also visit another temple, Becca makes a joke about their future and then immediately begins to freak out. It is so relatable. This is the most relatable she’s been all season. She actually says, “I wish I could take it back.” The best part about this breakdown is that I don’t have to watch a date with Jason. I know everyone loves Jason. I do not. I don’t get it. But don’t worry, you’ll probably see plenty of him in Paradise.

There is an immediate cut to Jason being all excited about their future on his way to dinner, and I actually feel bad for the guy. He and his BufflBros seem nice enough. They start out dinner with a far less intimate conversation than she had with Blake, and I can feel the end is near. He’s talking incessantly about how great he feels about all this, and she sits there looking like she’s going to vom. Then he says, “So, where’s your head at?”

Oh, Jason…

She launches into how she felt weird when she was talking about their “future” together. Even the producer couldn’t calm her down from feeling weird that afternoon, remember? And, uh oh, here come all those feelings again. She has to excuse herself from the table to have another panic attack.

Mid-panic attack, she is sobbing and just yelling to no one in particular, “What the hell is wrong with me? I have a great guy in front of me.” EXTREMELY SAME.

She comes back to the table and explains to Jason, “I can’t put you through an overnight—and me through an overnight—if it’s not 100-percent there.”

Jason is scream. cat. emoji. He is so blindsided.

Grasping at straws, he asks, “You’re confident that you don’t’ see a future with us?”

She replies, “No, I’m not confident. I just see it more with the other guys.”

I mean, come on, buddy. I get that you’re not completely clear on this meltdown she’s having, but it’s pretty obvious that it’s time for you to go. He doesn’t! I feel awkward!

She says that she hates blindsiding him because that’s exactly what Arie did to her—ok, quick pause: no it’s not. By the time Arie “blindsided” Becca, he was supposed to not be dating other women anymore, and was also engaged to her, which is not where Jason and Becca are at this time, OK!—and he leaves confused.

He very sweetly says “I came in rooting for your happiness; I’ll always leave rooting for your happiness.” Boy, bye.

Then we have another super relatable moment! Becca is just sobbing in her bed yelling “What’s wrong with me?” Girl, we have all been there.

At this point, I have to wonder: Is Chris Harrison even here?

GARRETT 🤢

Becca is still upset the next morning about the whole Jason thing, but it’s time for her date with Garrett, so she can’t let that get to her!

Garrett and Becca go bamboo rafting which looks super fun and I’m like “YAY FUN DATE!” Becca is disappointed that her romantic river rendezvous is interrupted by a HUGE RAGER that the locals are throwing in the river because it’s a Thai national holiday. She’s real bummed out about it because, remember: Becca hates fun.

Once they get to the end of the river journey, Garrett tells Becca that her visiting his family really helped him open up—and he was proud he was able to share with them how much he cared about her. Becca notes that with Garrett it feels right (y tho), and she wants to hear him say that he’s in love with her, but doesn’t know if he’s there yet. She seems pretty ok with the fact that this man has not said that he’s in love with her yet—even though they may be getting engaged next week—and somewhere, out there, Jason screams into the abyss with confusion.

At dinner, Garrett briefly touches on his fear of another failed engagement coming into this show—and how throughout the process, the fear grew stronger, but he was able to overcome that fear, etc., etc. He really opens up about how he’s able to… open up. 🙄 Becca is waiting and baiting for him to say “I love you,” and he’s not doing it, and somewhere Jason falls into that abyss he was screaming into and just lets fate take him.

FINALLY, Garrett finally says those three words, and follows up with “I hope you’re the last woman I ever have to say that to,” which I guess is supposed to be sweet except Garrett says it so it gives off serial killer vibes. This earns him a key to the Fantasy Suite!

Their Fantasy Suite is a treehouse (lol), which gives me major #tbt vibes to everyone else’s super nice Fantasy Suite last season, and then Becca’s was that tent in the desert. Foreshadowing?

BACK FOR ROUND 2

Jason tries to make a comeback the next day. Like, heres the thing: just go home. I know Thailand is probz way better than Buffalo, but coming back after you’ve been sent home has worked for literally no one on the show, including Ross, Becca’s ex. #tbt again

I’m yelling about this at the TV when I realize he’s just come back for an explanation, which I guess is fair and deserved, and to give her a scrapbook I guess? At this point, I have tuned out because I am so bored, and started reliving the Taylor Swift concert I went to on Saturday night. GUYS, SHE PLAYED A FULL RAIN SHOW. It was the most fun. I had such a good time.

Here’s Taylor in the rain!

Here’s me in the rain!

Look how much fun we’re both having!

Anyway.

ROSE CEREMONY

OH! There he is! OLASCH, it’s good to see you again. Lookin’ good in purple, bb. Before Becca heads in to face her final two guys—who are v confused about where Jason is—she tells OLASCH that although both guys are in love with her, she’s saving those three words for one guy. OLASCH responds with “I respect that.” The highest honor!

Anyway, they both get roses, you knew that. And the after credits feature Blake having to pee while waiting for the rose ceremony to start and—not surprisingly—it’s adorable. (They let him pee, no worries.)

In two weeks, we head to the Maldives for an engagement, but next week….

Photo: Wilhelmina Models

JORDAN IS BACK.

Thank god. I missed you so much, you reality TV angel.

 

Just sitting here dreaming of what magical things Jordan will say next week,
A

Photos: ABC