^ This photo is an accurate representation of how I feel about this season. 

Surprise! It’s the most devastating finale of all time ever!

More devastating than watching a woman get her heart ripped out after already being engaged on national TV in unedited, raw footage? Doubtful, OLASCH, but let’s see what you got. Buckle up, kids. We’ve got three full hours to recap.

Hot Takes on What’s to Come

The first few minutes of the episode is a sneak peek of what’s to come. Things I felt important enough to jot down as notes:

  • Garrett’s a weird crier. This is reason enough to not pick him.
  • Are they gonna have to take a boat to where one of them gets dumped?! Yikes. Somewhere Olivia is yelling “It’s a trap! Don’t get on the boat!” from that island on which she was abandoned.
  • OLASCH says, “This is the television event of the summer,” proving he is NOT watching Tyler, the ultimate puppet master and Hilton Head lifeguard, on Big Brother.
  • It’s so weird to me that Garrett is more liked across the board, proven by the way more enthusiastic applause that he got than Blake. In a live studio audience. On Aug. 6. Meaning they know all about him and still applauded thunderously.

ANYWAY.

Meet the Koofs

We start off the meet the parents segment with Becca talking about how “weird it is!!!!!!” that she’s going to be engaged in a few days. Is it, Becca? Is that weird? You’ve already done this—and, like, not even a year ago.

She tells her fam bam that she is in love with both guys, but isn’t saying it to either because she wants to save it for the guy she chooses in the end. OK. Here we go: Just because you don’t say “I love you,” to Blake one person doesn’t mean you loving someone else isn’t going to take an emotional toll on the relationship you have with Garrett the other. Her family is like “Oh lawd, ok. Let’s just get this over with.”

Garrett is the first up to meet the parents and he cries so. damn. much. throughout this whole segment. He does bring up a good point by saying something about how the last potential fiancé this family met was Arie, and like, ooooooooooof imagine.

Becca says a lot of weird phrases that sort of seem real until you think too hard about them like “I can be all of Becca with him.” And her family nods along because it’s too late to get out of this at this point.

Uncle Chuck comes in hot and asks all the tough Qs about Garrett’s ex-wife, and whether or not he’s really ready for love again, and then seems pretty unaffected by Garrett’s tears. He then swigs a whole bunch of Chardonnay at the end of their conversation and, truly, UC is my people.

Garrett cries again when he’s talking to Becca’s sister, but I can tell that everyone is falling for whatever charm it is that Garrett has that I am apparently immune to, because when he leaves, they all say things like “he’s a good, good guy.” I just… sigh.

Let me take time to ask you during this commercial break about whether or not ABC’s new A Million Little Things is trying too hard to be NBC’s This Is Us. Like even the music sounds the same, right?

It’s Blake’s turn. He’s talking so fast and repeating himself constantly (his ITM is like “yeahimnervousimnervousbutexcitedimexcitedyeahiwantedtomeethemforawhilenow”) and I worry because he’s so nervous he’s bordering on the line of manic. This time, it’s B Koof’s sister, Emily (Poor, Emily’s hair! It’s so cute, but I cannot imagine it is friends with this humidity!), who asks the tough questions. Unfortunately for Blake, they’re all about how he would handle losing.

This brings up Blake’s insecurities (hello, darkness, my old friend) and I immediately yell, “No! Blake! Please don’t spiral!” He does exactly that as his ITMs get more and more panicky and his answers to the family get more and more uneasy, until finally in an ITM he just yells, “I don’t want to talk about f*cking Garrett anymore!”

Now, I can’t prove this because I don’t have enough free time so I will just wait for someone else to, but if you line this up exactly to when Becca met Arie’s parents last year, I firmly believe it is, frame for frame, almost exactly the same. Becca’s whole meeting they were like “Lauren! Lauren, Lauren, Lauren!” and she also lost her mind. Foreshadowing!

Quick note here: Please pay attention to how these two men spoke about her. Garrett constantly said he loved her because he thought she’d make a “good wife and mother,” and Blake consistently used the word “teammate.”

Then, for some reason, we head back to the studio so that the Crazy Rich Asians cast can weigh in (???) and they are even more confused to be there than I am to see them there.

We head back to Becca’s family where they weigh in that Garrett is a risk, and Blake feels more solid, which means Blake will definitely lose tonight. Becca’s mom then cries about how she just wants Becca to be happy and have fun and truly, I think it’s very sweet because she lost the love of her life and she would know what’s important (spoiler alert: it’s not anything on this show)!

Oh, hi. It’s me. More hot takes on commercials: I still cannot actually tell if Castaways is a scripted show or not.

Garrett’s Last Meal Date

Look, tbh I do not understand the point of these last dates. Like, we get it. You get it. Maybe what everyone really needs here is some self-care time alone to reflect on their lives and choices, etc. I don’t have a lot of details on this, just a brief highlight reel.

Becca and Garrett drink on a boat that takes them to swim at the equator. On the way there, they almost delve into a conversation about their future, but wait! There are dolphins! And then we talk about those for awhile.

That night, when Becca stops by Garrett’s bungalow (??), they have a semi-serious conversation about the future, etc., and Garrett says that although he would be crushed, he’s willing to be crushed after this in order to see Becca truly happy.

Hidden in the plants outside the window, Blake jumps up and yells “Yeah! See! Pick me then. He said it’s cool! Def pick me! Are we all done here?”

He also mentions that while some people describe the feeling of falling in love as “getting butterflies,” butterflies are too small to describe his feelings for Becca. He actually says, “You give me, like, eagles,” and I threw a chocolate chip cookie I was eating in bed at the TV.

I think Castaways is definitely a reality show. And, I would wager, a bad one.

Blake’s Last Dance Date

Blake comes in confident (surprisingly) on the day of his last date. He’s basically unsure why he was so worried the day before, and says “There’s no way she’s changed her feelings for me over night.” LOLOLOLOLOL. Blake. Baby. Have you seen this show?

After they ride bikes to the beach (why aren’t they wearing closed shoes to ride these bikes omg!), Becca and Blake actually delve into their relationship like adults preparing to get engaged, and he looks so concerned the whole time. He talks about how they challenge each other, and says “I’m going to challenge you not to be in your head today and tonight,” and she’s like “yeah, OK dude. I’ll get right on that.”

Later that night when Becca comes to Blake’s bungalow (still unsure what a bungalow actually is), Blake presents her with a beautiful gift that the producers made for him to give to her. It’s really sweet and I am now 99.9 percent certain that Blake will go home. They have more of a chat about their future and I can see Becca realizing it’s not going to be Blake, and I am so sad, and he is so unaware.

Lane, Letters, and Last Words

In the day-of lead up to the break up/engagement (depending on who you are), we have the classic contemplative morning balcony scene, and watch everyone gently touch the clothes they will wear that evening.

My dude Neil Lane also makes his semi-annual appearance to give out the goods and let the men pick out rings for Becca (you pre-select the options as the Bachelorette, right?) and tbh, I think Garrett’s pick is a better choice for Becca’s taste. Foreshadowing! (It should go without saying that Blake’s pick is also a much better choice for my taste, and I’m trying not to read too much into that, but I think we’re perfect for each other?)

Then there’s a montage of everyone saying that they’re in love and blah blah blah, and this choice is hard, and there’s no way she could pick the other guy, and I’m like “HURRY UP AND GET YOUR BOATS TO THAT BEACH ALREADY.”

Blake’s Break Up and Break Down

I knew this was going to happen, but from the time the camera showed Blake as the first one to show up through the end of the episode, I was unable to do anything but stand up and yell things at the TV like “What are you talking about?!” and “Oh, yeah, but this racist guy will probably be a better father, that makes sense.”

Becca, in a complete disregard of anything in this world that makes sense (but I guess it’s 2018, so we’re all just like “literally whatever” for every decision we have to make), stops Blake halfway through his speech to tell him he has not been chosen as her Instagram photographer fiancé.

She tells him he does nothing wrong. Then she tells him that the whole season, she really thought it was going to be him, she’s just not ready to let things go with Garrett. Look, I don’t know what season you were watching, B Koof, but it was definitely not the one I watched, because in the one I watched, this was Garrett’s win from the get-go. Blake has always been the Peter of this season. YOU CAN GO BACK AND CHECK MY RECEIPTS.

Anyway, Blake sweats profusely through his proposal (why did they put him in a full suit out in the middle of direct sunlight on an island near the equator?) and toward the end of this whole mess, his sweat combines with his tears and his face is just so wet and he is so overwhelmed and I still love him.

Becca tells him that her future with Garrett is going to be better fit for her than one with Blake, and at some point he tells her she’s wrong and that she’s making a mistake, which usually I’m like “DO NOT TELL HER HOW TO FEEL HER FEELINGS,” but in this case, Blake’s right. She will regret this. Look at that sobbing, sweaty man giving less than zero f*cks about how gross and terrible he looks on national TV. That, Becca Kufrin, is what love looks like.

Look at the sweat just dripping off his whole face.

I’m nervous for a bit that Blake will just walk straight off this platform and into the sea, but he gathers himself together slightly, and lets Becca walk him out. Has anyone ever said, “No thanks, I’ll walk myself out?” I feel like I would be like “Actually, can OLASCH come and walk me out, because I have a lot of sh*t to talk about you right now and you don’t want to hear it.”

Blake tells Becca he loves her again and then puts his strong shoulders back and proudly walks away. Production finally gives him a towel for his face, and he uses it to clean up whatever liquid is excreting from him—at this point, it’s unclear where the sweat ends and the tears begin—and he devastatingly goes home.

He then shows up for the live in-studio audience, and is watching this all back, and I’m very confused as to whether his sad face is due to the amount he was sweat-crying or the breakup. He still seems pretty bummed out, but also talks about how he’s ready to move forward and move on. It’s a great Bachelor audition.

They then bring out B Koof to answer all of Blake’s unanswered questions, and—surprise!—she doesn’t actually answer any of them and then they send Blake on his way without asking him to be the Bachelor, and I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet. I would say this is the most devastating break up in Bachelorette history, but once again, I must remind you of the Rachel Lindsay/Peter Kraus break up of 2017. They both cried SO much her eyelashes fell off and he had to rip off his sweater. It was too much for them; it was too much for the world. Nice try, OLASCH.

At this point, I start stress eating those cookies I mentioned earlier, even though I tried to be healthy and bake them with not-real-butter and they taste less-than, and it seems fitting that none of us can have nice things at this point because both Peter and Blake left this show heartbroken and we don’t deserve to be happy.

Garrett Gets the Girl

Then Garrett’s up and theres SO much time left that I’m like “Great. I have to watch so much of this episode without Blake.”

Tbh, I didn’t listen to his proposal at all because holy wow, I do not like Garrett. My ears perk up slightly when Becca also interrupts his proposal, but it’s just to tell him that she loves him and then I roll my eyes and go back to scrolling Big Brother live feed updates. (I’m still standing at this point. We also don’t deserve the comfort of beds.) I do look up at the TV long enough to notice that she doesn’t exactly say “yes” right away when he proposes to her, but like OK we can skim over that and pretend we’re all happy and it’s fine.

Then we bring out Becca and Garrett into the live studio audience and who cares. They are disgustingly happy. My favorite exchange of this interview happens up top:

Becca: “OMG my lipstick is all over your face.” * wipes off Garrett’s face *
OLASCH: “As long as it’s your lipstick…”

YIKES, OLASCH. Too soon. So savage.

ABC finally decides it’s time to let Garrett talk about his garbage social media presence, but not before giving them another free trip to Thailand! Becca’s like “Yeah, that was a tough time in our relationship,” but says she was nowhere close to ending it and like y tho. OLASCH also gives them a mini van as a present too, but the producers troll Garrett by putting an equality sticker on the bumper and lol.

Thank OLASCH that Paradise starts tonight, because I’m losing as much faith in this show as I’m losing in humanity.

The journey didn’t make me a better man; Becca made me a better man,
A

P.S. 

^ Accurate depiction of me watching Jordan walk into Paradise.

Photos: ABC