Like all redemption stories, I told myself that this week would be totally different. I radiated like the sun on Monday morning. Hell, I was the sun. I totally embraced The Lion King‘s Rafiki when he beat Simba with a stick and said, “It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past!”
Unlike all redemption stories, I did not get my redemption. Let me paint the picture:
me: I’m going to start saving money! Cook all of my meals! Get my life together! Not spend on frivolous sh*t!
*Goes to see Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again a second time for Young Bill Anderson, buys all the NYC treats for my sister’s graduation, cooks n o t h i n g, sees the news that Queer Eye will have a global consumer products program*
also me: Hello, is this TD Bank? How can I immediately starts a second savings account only to drain it very soon for an Antoni avocado peeler?
Why am I like this? While I try to figure that out, let’s get to it.
The Bachelorette is over, and Paradise begins.
Remember when life was good and we kept making “Let’s do the damn thing!” jokes? It was a simpler time. 🚨Actual trash alert! 🚨The Bachelorette Becca Kufrin gave her final rose to Garrett, and now the couple is publicly engaged to be married. Yeah, the same racist, homophobic, woman-hating Garrett you’re thinking of. I knew this was going to happen months ago when Becca issued a statement of support when this all came out and brought up the U.S. being a free country. You don’t bring in the country unless sh*t is really hitting the fan. This was addressed in an awkward segment during the live finale, in which Garrett was so apologetic for deeply offending anyone, but is also strong and stands by his beliefs. Give me a break. Everything is garbage because we’re actually living in a world where Becca chose Garrett over Blake. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. I give up. For more thoughts as to why this was the wrong decision, read our recap of the finale here!
The only thing keeping me going is the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise. I knew things were going to get good when Jordan said that he just wants somebody with whom he can sit on the couch, drink white wine, and watch a chick flick, and I said to nobody in particular, “Yo, I feel that!” Standout moments include Wells meeting Wills asking for a well drink; Grocery Store Joe™ knowing nobody and nothing about past seasons; and the masterfully crafted storyline of Tia waiting for Colton to arrive, making her go on a date with someone that she actually ended up liking, only to have Colton arrive the next day and ask her out on a date—but you can read more about that here!
HGTV??! Aw man. I’d be pretty upset if it were anyone else, but how can you be mad at HGTV?? My television is stuck on that channel. Kudos HGTV, I know you will do the right thing with the house. That was always my biggest worry. I can smile again. 😁
— Lance Bass (@LanceBass) August 7, 2018
🎵 Here’s the story of a dramatic bidding war. 🎵
TL;DR: The iconic Brady Bunch house was on the market, former *NSYNC member Lance Bass placed the winning bid for it, but then found out that someone else made an offer after he had already won. Who got the house? HGTV snagged those rights. After making a BFD about being overbid and how hurt he was, Bass’ tweet of acceptance just seems too compliant. This all just seems like a big PR stunt, but maybe we’re getting new Brady Bunch content or a new Bass hosting gig out of it.
Cher is the dancing queen.
We’re getting new music from Cher next month! This full album, Dancing Queen, is filled with ABBA covers of classic songs, including “Waterloo,” “The Name of the Game,” and, of course, “Dancing Queen” and “Mamma Mia.” The world is still turning thanks to a ’70s Swedish pop band, and Cher is continuing to fuel that fire. Also, this Mamma Mia! tweet is important to me.
Change is coming to the #Oscars. Here's what you need to know:
– A new category is being designed around achievement in popular film.
– We've set an earlier airdate for 2020: mark your calendars for February 9.
– We're planning a more globally accessible, three-hour telecast. pic.twitter.com/oKTwjV1Qv9
— The Academy (@TheAcademy) August 8, 2018
The Academy tries to make people happy; fails yet again.
You know when all you’re trying to do is make people happy, but all it does is make everything a lot worse? This is the Academy right now, and if it was a 14-year-old angsty teen, you know it’d be running upstairs to its room and slamming the door and watching movies from its nonexistent tear jerker category. The Academy announced that the Oscars will now feature a new “popular film” category, and while we don’t know any details about it yet, outraged people took to Twitter to express their hatred for the move. People are calling the move a step back in the film industry, absurd, and further reiterates that you have to have a weird and dramatic independent film to get the highest honor in the industry. Some advice: all we want is Black Panther to be nominated for Best Picture.
My friend is Sonic.
MY FRIEND IS SONIC?!
(yells at strangers on the street) MY FRIEND IS SONIIIIIIIIIIIC https://t.co/6isvBLPneK
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) August 9, 2018
Ben Schwartz was cast as the voice of Sonic in the upcoming film adaptation based on the classic video game character. The excitement he expressed on Twitter is adorable, but perhaps what made my heart all warm and fuzzy inside is Schwartz’s best friend Lin-Manuel Miranda’s reaction to the news. If I also scream “My friend is SOOONIIIIIIIIC!” in the streets of New York City, do I automatically become part of the club?
— See What's Next (@seewhatsnext) August 7, 2018
House of Cards has a premiere date.
Netflix gave us a November 2 release date for the final season of House of Cards. Note that the timing of this is the Friday before election day in the U.S. The sixth and final season will feature Claire Underwood (Robin Wright) as commander-in-chief after Kevin Spacey was fired from the show after numerous sexual assault allegations. It’ll be interesting to see how the show will address Spacey’s absence, but it seems as though the show was heading in Claire’s presidential run. Season 5 ended with Claire looking straight into the camera and saying, “My turn.”
Hey there Delilah, what’s it like to have a TV show?
The Plain White T’s No. 1 song, “Hey There Delilah,” probably inspired a lot of love and heartbreak these past 12 years, but now it’s lending itself to a scripted TV show. Lively McCabe Entertainment is teaming up with the band to develop a “scripted romantic dramedy based on its chart-topping single about a long-distance relationship.” My jaw is simultaneously on the floor and I’m laughing so hard. WHAT WILL THIS BE ABOUT? Guys, if you need some inspo, I’ll be definitely open to talking about some ideas based on my romantic life. This is just outrageous and wonderful at the same time. I can’t wait!
Animals interrupting wildlife photographers is my new joy pic.twitter.com/gjGA53AnPX
— Ojibwe Writer Mari (@Polychromantium) August 8, 2018
Go into the weekend with a full heart after seeing all of these floofy bbs trying to get in the behind the scenes action of wildlife photography. I should consider this as a career if a baby cheetah will climb on my back. 15/10 would do this.
Until next time, my beautiful trash babies!