Let’s say it together: THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY.

It was one of those weeks during which I walked into work one morning and screamed, “I can’t believe it’s been such a long week,” and @Bill rolled his eyes and said, “It’s only Tuesday morning, Maddie.”

Ugh. You feel me though, right? Please see a visual representation of my feelings above with this high quality Photoshop job I did (ask me for my rate card) with a photo from the set of Big Little Lies 2, where Reese Witherspoon is about to chuck some ice cream at Meryl Streep. And yes, like the queen she is, Witherspoon unapologetically nailed the throw.

It has been a week that hits everyone just as hard, and everyone feels it at the same time. Just ask this petition for a white wine emoji. So don’t worry, we’re all in this together.

Besides this week being an actual dumpster fire, there’s much to talk about and a lot to look forward to. Let’s get to it.

We got a premiere date for the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

Mark your calendars! Find your spellbook! Get your witch coven together! Netflix will release the Riverdale Sabrina the Teenage Witch spin-off show, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, just in time for Halloween on Oct. 26. The ~*~spooky and dark~*~ adaptation of the Archie Comics character will follow Sabrina in a coming of age story as she struggles with being a half-witch and half-mortal. Can we talk about how the acronym for the series is “CAOS”? Get ready, witches!


We got the first look into Bachelor in Paradise. 

The best part about the Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise, returns next week, but we got a sneak peek of the steamy fifth season. Is there anyone who wasn’t invited to this season? For real. We have all of the people from the past year’s Bachelor franchise, plus the Winter Games, Wells is back as the bartender, AND we’re checking in on old couples, IN ADDITION TO Ben Higgins screaming into the void (someone get him off this franchise!). Thank God the crabs are back, but perhaps the best part about this edit is the shocked audience voice when Leo calls Grocery Store Joe™ a b*tch. This is going to be a great end of summer because we have a lot of weird sh*t happening, including but not limited to: witchcraft, nipple grabbing, throwing teddy bears into the ocean, an engagement, a Robbie v Jordan showdown, and many a love triangle. And, no love for Arie and Lauren being here. We didn’t ask for this. At least Jorge is back. Bye.


WHO IS IT?

If your answer isn’t automatically, “It’s Britney, b*tch,” then we can’t be friends. Fans are now screaming “Who is it?” when queen Britney Spears is performing “Gimme More” during her tour. It all started when a fan, Zachary Gordon, shouted this out to her at a performance a couple of weeks ago, making the singer break from her serious face and laugh. It’s now become a thing more fans are screaming, and honestly, this is probably one of my favorite things to ever happen.


 

Stranger Things will come back next summer.

Programming Executive Cindy Holland confirmed that the third season of Stranger Things will return next summer. While we already suspected it was going to premiere sometime next summer according to last month’s amazing teaser trailer, we also learned that the wait will be worth the wait. Apparently, there will be more special effects and a better script than the second season, which will take some more time to perfect than originally planned. Take your time! I am willing to wait for Steve Harrington working at an ice cream shop for as long as it takes.


Kesha SLAYS.

I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying. Apple Music released a one-minute teaser trailer of Rainbow – The Film, a documentary that will delve into a particularly rough time in the singer’s life. “Kesha wrote and produced Rainbow, which focuses on resilience and healing, all while battling producer Lukas ‘Dr. Luke’ Gottwald in an ongoing high-profile lawsuit,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. Kesha also makes her directorial debut for this film, which is just a whole new level of inspirational and empowering. Love you.


The Fabocados made their debut.

To celebrate National Avocado Day on Tuesday, Netflix animated the Fab 5 into adorable animated avocados (10 points to me for Slytherin for that alliteration). The characters are styled to perfection and, of course, the message is wholesome AF—enough to even make my dark soul sparkle for a few minutes. Dear Queer Eye, can we make this a regular thing? Get yourself a publishing partner and doooo it!


The Guardians banded together.

The cast of Guardians of the Galaxy penned a statement in support of James Gunn to reinstate the writer and director back on GotG Vol. 3. ICYMI, Disney fired Gunn last month when right-wing activists unearthed old tweets that joked about rape and pedophilia (which he had already apologized for prior to joining team Marvel, btw.) However, it’s highly unlikely that Disney will bring him back on for the project, and it’s unclear whether the actors would quit the film if Gunn is not rehired. They stopped just short of issuing this ultimatum, but they probably return for the third installment because of contracts, right?


We’re getting more Adam Rippon because we deserve it.

Dancing With the Stars is relevant again because Adam Rippon, the Olympic figure skater who became the most relatable athlete ever, will join the show’s spin-off Junior edition. He will judge alongside DWTS dancer Valentin Chmerkovskiy and Mandy Moore (ugh, not THAT Mandy Moore), La La Land choreographer. This glamazon betch ready for the runway is going to dance into our hearts once again ✨.


Photo: USA Today

Another nail hit the impending Movie Pass coffin.

Use your Movie Pass while you can! After limiting users to seeing a movie once, having to show proof with ticket stub photos, among other changes, Movie Pass will raise its monthly price to $14.95 and limit availability to see new movies for two weeks. Honestly, the monthly fee isn’t that bad because here in New York City, we’re lucky enough to see a movie just around $20. But, if a movie will be shown in more than 1,000 theaters, customers will have a hard time seeing movies from major Hollywood studios for a couple of weeks. Just  y i k e s.


You can’t unsee this.

The Venom trailer released earlier this week, but because the internet doesn’t let anyone have nice things, we were trolled with the concept of the Marvel character having eyes. I feel like I’m not bothered by it too much, which should probably concern me a bit. But, it’s ruining some people’s lives, haunting their dreams forever, and some were left feeling terrified. I have nothing else to say here.


Twitter shared quippy movie plots.

The Academy asked, and Twitter is delivering. People are sharing their favorite movie plots in five words. Some are goofy, like “Estranged father severs son’s hand” and “Dinosaur amusement park goes awry,” while some just get to the point, such as “Snakes are on the plane” and “Paul Blart is a mall cop.” I have a few I thought of, but the most relevant one for me right now is “Young Bill owns my heart.” No, I will not let this go, and you are still welcome to tweet me your thoughts @MaddieMichalik to talk about this.


Until next time, my beautiful trash babies!