In The Most Dramatic Facebook Live of All Time, Chris Harrison broke down this season’s cast of The Bachelorette one by one, proving that the team behind The Bachelor always knows what I need before I do. Not only did he give us very fun—and very vague—behind-the-scenes tidbits about the men he introduced, he also threw shade and got real tripped up on a graphics fluke. It was magical.
Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the 28 men that are here for the right reasons and vying for Becca Kufrin’s heart on this season of The Bachelorette.
*Star denotes they are a professional or self-proclaimed athlete.
31, Construction Worker, Atlanta, GA
Alex loves his dog, country music, and his boat. But when he’s not on his boat, he’s skiing, so he definitely has A Brand. That brand is Every Guy You Hated in College.
28, Sales Rep, Baily, CO
Blake considers himself a “modern romantic,” because he believes that you need to be independent in order to love someone. But his secret talent is that he’s a great swing dancer, so I guess he’s also vintage. He’s modern AND vintage?! He’s Urban Outfitters. (He also brought that horse to ATFR last season.)
27, Advertising VP, Sanford, FL
When Chase’s picture showed up on the Facebook Live, I yelled, “VILLAIN!” aloud and clapped twice (I don’t know if the number is significant, but I wanted to be honest). Chris Harrison confirmed my suspicions with his vague tease that Chase is lots of drama from night one. Also, dude has a straight up Jafar beard. He’s not here to make friends.
30, Sales Trainer, Orlando,FL
Chris is looking to retire in his 40s (he “comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs” that have all done so), and I’m like “That’s neat, Chris, but just showing up on night one around guarantees you at least five more years of work as a #SponCon carnival barker on your Instagram, so like, choose wisely with how far you go.
28, Banker, San Diego, CA
I didn’t even write Christian’s name down on my list when I was watching Facebook Live, so I feel like he is perhaps forgettable. He said his biggest date fear is spilling something on himself in front of Becca, but like LOL that is probably the least embarrassing thing that will happen to you on this show if you make it past the first night (not likely).
31, Former Harlem Globetrotter, Los Angeles, CA
FORMER. HARLEM. GLOBETROTTER. Can’t wait to see his run on Dancing with the Stars.
30, Pro Football Player, Chicago, IL
26, Former Pro Football Player, Denver, CO
Colton is the one whose graphic got screwed up and sent CH into a tizzy, but he also has dedicated himself to helping kids fight Cystic Fibrosis and has a dog, so 10 points for Gryffindor. Can someone please tell me how many years makes the difference between your lower-third being “‘Former’ Pro Football Player” and “Pro Football Player?” Because ain’t nobody getting six weeks off to shoot this that’s playing on (and valuable to) a team.
25, Fitness Coach, St. Petersburg, FL
Most of his bio talks about how important his #fitlife is, but it briefly mentions he had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Braves before diving into said career. Why didn’t he take it? Does he sabotage his own happiness? Will that flaw get in the way of him winning Becca’s heart? Am I reading too much into this?
26, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Sherman Oaks, CA
We saw Darius on last season’s ATFR when he apologized to Becca on behalf of his entire gender. He loves to travel! He loves to give back to people in need! He has the perfect Bachelor contestant profession! Will Darius be too good to be true? (Probably.)
25, Venture Capitalist, Denver, CO
David loves guacamole, but hates avocado, so he has layers. CH started his intro with “David….Wow….,” said he had a moment that will go down in Bachelor History, and then called him The Chicken Man, so he’ll probably fare pretty well here. (Bachelor History is a course I’ve been trying to pitch to teach at NYU for years.)
27, Electrician, Danville, CA
CH said that Grant looks like Matt Damon, but like… this is what Matt Damon looks like.
29, Marketing Consultant, Minneapolis, MN
Jake is from where Becca is from and they have a “history,” one that I hope is not that they slept together at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. I’ll say it: Knowing someone before you come on this show never works. Farewell, Jake. We barely knew ye.
29, Sr. Corporate Banker, Seattle, WA
I had to do a double-take because I thought this was Scott Baio. He mentioned that he both sings and likes football, so hopefully he doesn’t end up in a Troy Bolton self-identity crisis.
31, Colognoisseur, Pensacola, FL
This is not a real job.
31, Grocery Store Owner, Chicago, IL
I’m just going to leave this quip from the geniuses at ABC here: “Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe’s ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette.”
28, Software Engineer, San Francisco, CA
CH claimed that this is “probably the most successful person that we’ve ever had on the show” and I laughed so hard for 10 minutes straight and missed the next three people and had to rewind it.
26, Male Model, Crystal River, FL
Truly, we could’ve just said “model,” right? CH said “Think: Zoolander,” so I’m already on board with Jordan. His Blue Steel is apparently called Pensive Gentleman, and he runs a 4:24 mile, so at least no one will be able to catch him when he’s running away with their girl OOOOOOOOOOOOH.
20, Social Media Participant, Monroe, NY
Social media participant is also not a job—dogs and babies have Instagram accounts. He also has a fear of spiders, of which I can’t wait for the producers to take full advantage.
31, Stuntman, Studio City, CA
As I looked upon his flowing locks lit up by the city skyline, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is he ever legit worried about being a stuntman with hair that long?
26, Account Sales Exec, Los Angeles, CA
I don’t know if you guys remember Lincoln, but he’s the one that called Arie a “wanker” at last season’s ATFR, which is probably the most honest and truthful statement ever uttered on this show. Lincoln was named after Abraham Lincoln, and apparently, Abraham Lincoln shows up on a date this season so I imagine those two things are probably connected in a beautiful, deep, and artistic way.
27, Sports Analyst, Cincinnati, OH
This seems like as good a time as any for this PSA: Hello, all men who are unfamil with hair care: If you grow out your hair very long, you have to get it trimmed, even if you want it to stay long, or else it looks like a bundle of garbage.
27, Attorney, Orlando, FL
Nick is literally the most basic betch of all time. He’s a self-proclaimed weekend warrior who loves brunches, BBQs, and the beach. He has signature tracksuits. He is a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life. Nick is simultaneously everything I want to be, and everything I hate about humans.
27, IT Consultant, San Diego, CA
Rickey “dreams of finding a woman who can keep up with his lifestyle,” which is the worst thing anyone has said so far in these bios.
26, Banjoist, Manhattan Beach, CA
Look, I can’t believe I’m saying this about a “banjoist,” but I think Ryan’s got the best shot out of anyone here. He’s from Cape Cod and close to his family because they all play in a bluegrass band together. I will be personally offended if I don’t see that hometown date. He also seems like a nice guy. As of now, I’m #TeamRyan.
28, Realtor, Naples, FL
Trent moved out of his Midwestern Iowa town with stars in his eyes to hop off the shiny jetplane in sunny Naples, FL to “pursue a career as a realtor and a model,” and will probably go home night one.
29, Graphic Designer, Los Angeles, CA
An LA native, Wills loves Harry Potter. ACCIO LOVE, AMIRIGHT?
Overall, this seems like a veritable “Who’s Who” of Men That Aren’t Good Enough for Becca, but by the end of the season, I’ll probably be willing to marry at least three of them.
Can’t wait to get started on this journey with you,
Photos: Courtesy of ABC