Look, this episode was mostly dumb. The men actually told nothing. But there was one true star of the whole episode, and that was unsurprisingly Jordan Kimball. Here’s a breakdown of what went down, sorted by Jordan’s best lines of the night.
“You can’t be Mr. Right Reasons, but treat the Bachelorette wrong. I’m just gonna leave that there.”
Chris was a mess during the season, and we were all forced to relive that again last night. He tried to defend how he acted and all the guys were like, “you literally ruined everything for everyone that night.” They’re not wrong. I also feel personally victimized by Chris’ slow spiral into insanity. I was as over it as those men were. Chris fights back and forth with a bunch of the guys during this, trying to be like “well, I just really cared about her a lot,” and they were not having it—calling him out for being disrepectful, talking about how quickly his train derailed, etc. Jordan, who is silent most of this discussion, ties the whole conversation up with this gem, and I actually applauded.
“I’ll jump in.” – David
“Are you gonna fall in or jump in, David? Let’s go.” – Jordan
Yaaaaaaaas henny. Never let anyone forget David fell out of that bunk bed. This comes after David tries to jump in between the back and forth between Jordan and Colton about each other’s dating history. After Colton calls Jordan out for having all those matches (~4,000) on Tinder, Jordan jumps back at Colton about the Tia thing. (Just for the record, this is not the first Tia mention—that came at approx. 8:14 p.m.) I am mad for Jordan at this point because while 4,000 Tinder matches is insane (quick shoutout to Venmo John’s math that was aired during the end credits of the episode because it was too boring for the final edit), his arguments got a little slut-shame-y, and I’m not here for that. Love how you want to folks. Your body, your choice.
Honorable Mention for a Quote that Isn’t Jordan’s: “David, after watching the show, I thought you were there for Jordan.” – Nick (Tracksuit). Boy, do I hate David.
Look, this Nobody who got sent home the first night tries to come at Jordan for… well, I’m actually not sure what he was actually coming at him for. Nobody starts off by saying as a banker he has a “real job,” unlike Jordan. Wowee. Let’s take a moment here and note that this argument is garbage and offensive. Most models basically run their own business (themselves) and it’s not not work. What is a real job anyway? I watch this show and then write my thoughts into WordPress. Would that job impress Nobody?
Jordan, tired of Nobody’s bullsh*t, calls for him to come down from his seat—in the back row because he got sent home night one—and he does come down to face Jordan standing up. Hooooo boy. As Jordan is walking up to him ready to go off, he looks down briefly and sees Nobody is wearing highwaters, and boy oh boy, does he look dumb. It was the wrong choice that would’ve gone unnoticed (#backrow) had he kept his mouth shut, but nope. Fashion Guru Jordan Kimball gets distracted mid-sentence, and cuts himself off to yell “Highwaters, really?!?!??!” and walk away. He has immediately decided Nobody is not worth his time if he can’t even dress himself, and truly, I respect that.
Everything Jordan Said This Season
Jordan is first to hit the hot seat, and we get a beautiful montage of everything he’s done this season. I’ll be honest: I teared up again. Remember when this show was good TV? Bless your heart, Jordan. We did not deserve you.
This whole montage, as well as Jordan’s brief chat with OLASCH (who, by this point, has lost complete control of this TV special), is a complete master class in self love. It’s just line after line of “I’m me, and I love me. Everyone’s just mad because they don’t love themselves enough.” He even does a little call out to Nobody, emphasizing “THIS guy” when he points at him, proving to him, and the nation, that he doesn’t have time or space to learn or remember that guy’s name. And truly, same. OLASCH, being of kind heart and spirit, reminds me and Jordan that his name is Christian, and we both immediately don’t care and go back to loving Jordan.
“I love Jordan.” – Grocery Joe
Look, this didn’t happen in exact timing with the montage where Joe says barely anything because he wasn’t on the show for more than five seconds, but he does admit to loving Jordan and I hope and pray that leads to a Jordan/Grocery Joe BFFship in Paradise. Everyone should be blessed with Jordan’s friendship.
The Assumed Cringe Jordan Made When OLASCH told Wills “It’s not what a man wears, it’s how a man wears it.”
Wills cries watching his own montage and it’s heartbreaking because Wills was truly blindsided—AS WE ALL WERE—when Becca picked Jason over him. Wow, I still can’t believe what a mistake she made. We talk again about how much of a nerd that Wills is, but like, is he? No, he just likes Harry Potter. That’s not nerdy. Wills is dressed to the nines, as usual (and so is Leo, which I have to mention now, because I think he only spoke one sentence the whole two hours), and is adorable, as usual.
“Colton, I respect you for being true to yourself. I respect that a lot. Sometimes you get called out for it, so *salutes* I see you.”
Oh boy, Colton. You got a salute from the King of Being True to Yourself. Congrats!
Even though they had a heated first hour on this special, Jordan throws this respectful salute to Colton after Colton discusses his whole experience on the show, and what it’s like to tell your truth about your virginity on national TV. It should be noted that while Colton’s chat about “feeling like less of a man,” etc., was probably the most vulnerable we’ve ever seen him and a really good social standard conversation starter we should’ve delved into more (but didn’t because ABC), Colton had about as much of an emotional reaction to watching back his own montage of being on the show as I did: zero. I’m pretty sure I scrolled Twitter looking for Big Brother live feed updates during this point in time, and I’m not entirely sure Colton didn’t do the same. I’m pretty sure based on the previews that Tia also dumps Colton in Paradise and so lol at all of this “drama” for literally nothing.
At this point, it is 9:16 p.m., and this exchange happens in my apartment:
Tim C.: “Oh yeah. Venmo John is here.”
Me: “Oh no!!! Awww I forgot!”
There is another Jordan-less break (y tho), where we re-watch Jason’s time on the show and boy oh boy does he do a good audition to be the Bachelor. He sheds a couple of tears while watching his own montage, and gives the perfect answers to OLASCH’s questions to prove he was heartbroken, but also believes he will move on to find his own love story in the future. Depending on how next week pans out, all you Jason Lovers may get your wish after all.
“You are who you are, and you do give closure to most of the gentlemen here, and you addressed us, and I respect that so much. You did a great job.”
Another approval from the King himself! All I want is for Jordan to tell me I did a great job at anything ever.
B Koof makes her first appearance at like 9:36 p.m. ? and all the men get to say what they’ve wanted to say to her, which proves to be barely anything at all.
She and Jason decide they really want to be friends in the future and hug it out. Jean Blanc apologizes for being the worst and Becca cares less than I do. We talk about Tia again, whatever.
Then Jordan spends a lot of time talking about how fun Jordan is and how much she liked him and HELL yeah. He gets real and says that he wishes he would’ve opened up sooner about who he really was under the surface, so that she could get to know the man behind the model.
The bloopers give us The Most Relatable Moment of the Season: Becca, in an ITM, is housing a plate full of McDonald’s food in an evening gown, and hands it back to the producer, dropping ranch dressing in the process. She yells “Save the ranch!” with more passion and emotion than she’s had about any man this season and yes, queen. I feel you.
See you next week, when we have all survived watching three hours of nonsense, and have suffered irreparable heartbreak, probably because Blake has also.
OMG I can’t wait to see Jordan throw that huge plush dog into the sea in Paradise,