April 21, 2018:

Rumor around the halls is that I lack a strong moral compass. But really I’m just morally flexible, and I like to FREAKING STRETCH!


April 27, 2018:

Avengers: Infinity War came out today. Needed more Deadpool.

April 28, 2018:
We’re learning about the Mesozoic Age in history this week. So naturally, I stood up, tucked my elbows in nice and tight, clawed my hands, and shouted: “All the dinosaurs feared the mighty T. rex!” while parading around the classroom. Mr. Davies did not appreciate it.

May 1, 2018:

PE was a joke today. I barely even generate fatigue toxins, so I never get tired. It’s like living life with a God Mode cheat, and I’m Player One, baby.

May 2, 2018:

Went skinny-dipping in some random pool tonight. Was going swimmingly until we got caught. Squeezing into tight spandex when you’re wet is as unpleasant as having your mouth stitched shut.

May 4, 2018:

Got an Xbox today!!! Torn between @MercWithaMouth and @RegeneratingDegenerate for my Gamertag.

May 5, 2018:

Cinco de Mayo chicka-chicka-yaaaaaa amigos! Stuffed my face hole with Taco Bell this afternoon to celebrate. It’s a good thing this suit has some stretch.

May 11, 2018:

If I hear one more person at school complain about their acne I will drop kick a small child into yesterday. HAVE YOU SEEN MY FACE?!

May 15, 2018

Can’t believe it took me 13 years to realize this but Bridget from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is a stone-cold fox! #WifeyMaterial

May 17, 2018

Update: Ms. Farley still reeks like a diaper in the sun.