This week started out with the greatest thing that can happen for me—a one-on-one chat with Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison. OLASCH has been noticeably absent this season—and I was beginning to feel abandoned. But he comes back, sits down in the hotel lobby with Becca for five minutes, dishes out some classic OLASCH vague love advice, then heads out the door, assuming back into an Uber and straight to the airport.

Let’s recap!

“Unhappy Hour” Should Be the New Name of This Show

I’m going to choose to forget the embarrassing thing they made Becca do when she jumped in front of a huge “LOVE” sign, spelling out each individual letter with her body. It was so unnecessarily long that in between two letters, I had time to turn to Bach Viewing Buddy Tim C. and say, “Please let this end.” (When I say “forget,” I mean “post right here for posterity.”)

Most of the beginning of this episode is just an advertisement for Richmond Virginia, and I hope that means production got Becca’s two-story hotel room for free.

Anyway, the first date card arrives and it’s a one-on-one for Jason and his overly gelled hair! Jason’s happiness is over shadowed by Chris and Lincoln immediately acting like children, then a couple of guys go around and say how exhausted they are with the too of them and YAS HENNY. ME TOO.

First, Jason and Becca go to a bunch of historical landmarks, a church, a place where they make doughnuts, and I wonder: Remember when the Bachelor/Bachelorette was full of base jumping, bridge climbs, and zero gravity chambers? Now it’s a mix of “what’s already here that they can walk into” and “this looks like a good vacant space to put a random canopy bed or hot tub.” Come on, guys.

Their last stop is the Edgar Allen Poe museum (which I would be pretty into), which is holding its Unhappy Hour, a gathering of those who are more into doom and gloom and goth culture than happiness. Jason gets down on the ground and starts doing some weird yoga situation with one of the Unhappy Hour-goers and I think: Wouldn’t it be neat if he spontaneously combusted and turned to dust because of witchcraft?

But alas, Jason is still around, and Becca takes him to a local pub and surprises him with some of his good friends from Buffalo! Jason is so happy he tears up. The BuffalBros tell Becca all kinds of great things about Jason and I realize for a second I have dozed off in boredom.

To dinner! Later that night, Jason opens up and tells her a truly heartbreaking story about when he and his dad visited his grandma who had Alzheimer’s, and his grandma didn’t recognize her own son. He talks about seeing his dad put on a brave face, and then later sob in a corner. Then Becca talks about losing her own father and how she watched him take his last breath and I have to check out because that is too many emotions to go through while watching The Bachelorette k thanks.

Becca feels like she and Jason really deepened their connection on this date, and pins a rose on his lapel.

Reminder of Why You Hate Election Season: Group Date 2018

Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris were invited to attend a group date this week—which ends up being a disaster thanks to Chris “Why Are You Still Here?” R.

Since we’re in Virigina, and we’ve already gone on a historical tour and there’s nothing else to do here, these men also have to learn about history. Their instructors are two actors cast straight out of a last-minute non-union casting call from Craig’s List: one who is an almost passable Abraham Lincoln, if you were doing a community theater production; the other a nowhere near passable George Washington, in any sense at all.

Here they are:

The real American hero this week is the person who put them on this bench in front of a plaque that reads “Capitol Disaster.”

Imagine if either of those men were able to see this… and what has become of their legacy…

ANWAY, Abe and George come up with the worst idea ever: The men will now participate in a debate! Fun fact: The Worst Idea Ever has The Worst Name Ever: Beccalection 2018! Hard pass.

The debate—hosted by Becca, the two presidents, and OLASCH, is not actually a “debate” to begin with, but more of a Q&A sesh to find her perfect future running mate (Why do I watch this show?). Lincoln is there! OLASCH is there! The governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia is there!

Wait, really?! Yes, really! I imagine that Governor Ralph Northam was just trying to get to his office that morning to do very important actual government things when the production staff of The Bachelor swarmed him, gave him a shot of tequila, asked him about his most painful past relationship so he could become vulnerable and malleable, and then scooted him up to a podium to ask people questions about falling in love with someone on national TV. Because there wasn’t an actual call to his PR rep and this wasn’t actually agreed on, right? He has better things to do, right?! Help.

The guys drone on and on answering these questions, presumably trying to be charming until President Lincoln asks his “namesake” a question about his future with Becca, to which he responds with a dig at Chris. Oh, hey! Chris isn’t a stable person, so he obviously retorts back—during Blake’s turn, please leave Blake out of this—and says none of the guys are being honest with Becca. Lincoln and Chris go back and forth until Chris blurts out that Lincoln called him a “fat (bleep).” I don’t know what it was but like what even I am so over this. Becca, also over it, wraps up this group date on that note, and no thanks, bye.

Becca asks the guys at the beginning of the cocktail party to chill out and put their drama aside, and for a second, I think I almost hear all of the producers yell, “Yeah, right!” and simultaneously rub their hands together like maniacal Disney villains.

Lincoln pulls Becca aside first (uh oh) and tells Becca that he doesn’t want to be in the same place as Chris anymore because he thinks that he’s dangerous. Then Chris comes sauntering in because dude loves a good interruption and Becca nervously agrees to talk to him (because choosing between a conversation with Lincoln or one with Chris is the definition of choosing between two evils). Chris tries to be like, “How are you?”, but before she can even fully get the accusations Lincoln made out of her mouth he starts talking over her, as per usual. Please let someone else speak ever.

While he tries to yell over her and talk his way out of things, Garrett (still gross, don’t worry, I didn’t forget) arrives to interrupt Chris’ conversation. But she’s like “nah boo. I need some me time.” And I am here for that because I’m all 👏 about 👏 self 👏care. 👏

Chris returns to the men to confront Lincoln, but does it through Connor—because, I guess, Lincoln also told Becca that Connor feared Chris as well. I forget a little bit about what they talked about because at one point there is a wide shot on Chris, revealing his outfit, and Tim C. yells, “What is his jeans?!” so overwhelmed by Chris’ super douchey knee-baring jeans that he can’t even form an actual sentence. And then we both discussed that for a hot minute. Also, what they were actually saying did. not. matter.

My favorite quote of the night comes during Chris’ ITM during this cocktail party: “The man eats 12 eggs every day. His cholesterol has to be 6,000.”

The three of them go at it for awhile, until Garrett does the only thing all season that I have liked from him: he snaps at all of them. He yells to get over it, and that Chris put Becca in a bad place tonight, and it’s “f*cked up the whole night” and ruined it for everyone. I feel seen. But then I quickly remember Garrett is garbage and begin to worry about Blake again, and if he’s OK in this hostile environment. This sparks a domino effect, and then Wills and Colton are like “YEAH WE ARE MAD TOO” and now everyone is yelling and can this please just end?

Eventually, Becca is able to gather herself to have a few conversations with the men that make her feel better—including Wills telling her that he’s falling in love with her. But Aly Raisman’s stalker Colton comes out victorious and gets the date rose at the end of the night.

An Over-Ask of Emotional Labor from One-on-One Date with Leo

First of all, before Leo goes on this date, Jason reads Leo this date card with such dramatic conviction that I am surprised it’s signed “Becca” and not “Jason.”

Leo’s one-on-one date starts with him having dish out tons of emotional labor to Becca for the sins of Chris. Luckily for Leo, this is where he thrives. He is comforting and understanding—he offers to forgo the date if she just wants to sit and talk (I think this was 50-50 him knowing it was going to be boring and trying to be there for her.).

They go and shuck oysters (party!) and Becca eats one and then kisses him and I am disgusted. Not because of Leo—he actually really grew on me on this date—but because I hate oysters.

At dinner later on, I hear Leo tell Becca a heartbreaking story from his childhood in which he disappoints his dad and now feels like a disappointment all of the time. That is, until I really think about the story I heard.

If you take out the dramatic music that was behind it: Leo tells a story about how he was pretty good at baseball and how his dad spent a lot of time with him practicing and helping him get better and live out his dreams. After being a pretty good player, Leo didn’t go pro, and he was like “My dad could’ve been doing other things with his time and I let him down.”

First off, no. That’s just a story about how much your dad loved hanging out with you and how much he loved you and supported your dreams. Second off, he didn’t want to be doing other things, Leo. Spending all his time supporting you and your dreams is parenting. You fooled me. This is just a story about how great your dad is.

Becca falls for it too, because Leo is a wonderful storyteller, and gives him the rose and a big ol’ kiss. Yay Leo! I’m glad you have a loving and supportive dad, and I kind of like you now, so, Shante, you stay.

After Leo returns with his rose, Chris decides he needs to go to Becca’s private space and interrupt her without being invited and continue talking about a conversation she does not want to have so she 100-percent sends him packing. It’s important to note that Chris walked over to Becca’s hotel, yet those producers had an Uber waiting outside with his luggage already packed when he left. He walks out of her hotel room and I scream, “PLEASE LOCK THE DOOR WITH ALL THE LOCKS,” because knowing Chris, it’s probably not the end.

Cocktail Party

There wasn’t one because, once again, the episode ran too long because Chris is a nightmare Becca is sick of everyone’s sh*t.

Rose Ceremony

Jason, Colton (y tho), and Leo are all pinned up boys, and the remaining roses go to:

  • Garrett: No.
  • Blake: I love you.
  • Wills: Never stop being Wills.

This was the most predictable rose ceremony yet, but my OTF heart is sad to see Connor go. Lincoln was teased as a villain, then did barely nothing, then was briefly the worst for two seconds, and then got sent packing. Goodbye and good riddance. I have no time for your garbage.

Things really start to heat up next week, as we enter into The Race for Hometowns.

I think Garrett and Colton are shoe-ins for top four. Tim C. and I decided the final two spots will be divided into Blake vs. Jason, and Wills vs. Leo. If our respective favorites (Leo and Blake) are both sent home on the same night, we both quit.

This episode made me lose any faith in democracy I had left,
A

P.S. Scallop Fingers came in second on The Proposal last night. Come on, let the girl find love.

Photos: ABC