Hello, my sweet little baby angels. It’s Marissa, guest posting on Ali’s column while she is off on vacation, probably being eight times more adventurous than Becca will ever be. I’d like to kick things off on the right note by saying it totally should have been Tia, right?

Ah, hometowns. I live for this episode. The judgmental eyes of Mom. The awkward toasts from Dad. The plastered smiles of… everyone.

This particular hometowns episode kicked off on the absolute wrong foot, with this season’s not-so-closeted misogynist, Garrett. Aaaaand, we’re off.

Calfornia, Here We Come

Becca says that when she sees Garrett, she feels “like I get this kick of endorphins where I just want to fall into the trees with him.” This sounds painful and now I am confused two minutes into this episode.

Garrett the Worst is ready to show that he’ll be an “awesome husband and a great father” by planting tomatoes. Literally, they are sitting on a tractor, throwing plants into dirt. Can we expect this level of effort and care in parenting, too? Why are we all still watching this? They also plant a rose bush together. Becca likes this. She also likes that he reminds her of her father. Which… I can’t even get into that right now.

ABC

Garrett tells Becca about his overbearing, controlling ex-wife. He’s nervous to intro BK to his fam bam after being divorced. They are all basically waiting to hate her and tell him. There are roughly 57 people involved. Feels like an ambush.

Big sis swoops in for the first chat with Garrett. She cries a lot and then starts talking at a decibel I literally cannot hear. But, she clearly cares for him a ton and is looking out for her brother, which I would care a lot more about if Garrett had more respect for… anyone.

Dad is up next and explains his concerns to Becca (the usual: This is moving fast. Do you really like him? Please don’t hurt my kid.) Everyone is V protective over Garrett. I ponder whether or not this is where his entitlement comes from. Becca seems to win everyone over with her down-to-earth charm. But Koof loses me when she compares Garrett’s marriage to her 30-ish day engagement. We ALMOST went 18 minutes without talking about that. So close.

Regardless, this hometown date goes extremely well. Everyone’s feelin’ the good feels. At this point, I’m very certain Garrett is gonna win this thing, which makes me feel all the bad feels.

Bored in Buffalo

Next up: Jason. This guy is still here? The only thing I know about this man is that he really needs a new hairstyle. Wills went home, and this guy is still here. What’s happening? Please sir, go back to whatever corporate bank you came from and stay put. Anyway, we’re in Buffalo.

What date does Jason plan? A buffalo wing-eating contest and a private ice skating session. If this date were with anyone else I would love it. Becca is bad at both eating wings and ice skating, color me surprised. They ride on a Zamboni and make out a lot. All I can think about is buffalo wing breath. Idk.

Time to meet the family. There are four people here: Jason’s parents, brother, and brother in law. Everyone loves Becca immediately, and they are thrilled with how happy Jason is. This meet and greet is intimate and personal, and again, I would love this if it were anyone else but Jason. Why don’t I like Jason? If he could just use a little less hair gel I feel like we’d be in a much better place in our relationship.

Jason’s mom is not sold that Jason is Becca’s top pick right now, and I am over here like, same. Mom always knows. Jason, however, doesn’t seem to know. Poor boy. J’s brother encourages him to tell Becca he loves her, and I am like ugh, please don’t. But he does, and I think now everyone left standing has told Becca they are either in love or falling in love with her. It looks really cold in Buffalo.

Cozy in Colorado

And finally, the hometown date we are all waiting for. Bachelor Nation Sweetheart Blake steps up to the plate (and, spoiler alert, hits it out of the park). Blecca (Becake?) enjoy a date at Blake’s high school in Bailey, Colorado, which starts out as a bizarre trip down memory lane, but quickly becomes a heart wrenching display of emotion. Blake tells Becca all about a traumatic high school shooting experience he encountered as a senior. And, he doesn’t downplay it. I did some googling investigative journalism and the 2006 shooting in Bailey sounds intensely horrifying. No doubt, a life-changing event for Blake that must be hard to talk about, and he shares with Becca. At this point, I am really hoping Becca is paying attention. This man is emotionally available. He’s telling you a real thing that impacted his life in a major way. Please, girl.

But, this hometown date is not all heavy and Blake surprises Becca with a SUPER fun concert by yet anther singing guest—but this one is actually relevant and is Becca’s FAVORITE singer. Koof proves her love for Betty Who by literally singing every word and having the time of her life. Blake’s dance moves on stage make me swoon. Please, Becca, it’s gotta be Blake. PLEASE.

And now it’s time to meet the incredible people who brought Blake into this world and helped him grow up and become the man we deserve, and Becca needs right now. Who is the wonderful woman behind Blake? Shelly. Shelly thinks this sh*t is bananas. Welcome to the club, Shells. But she also can clearly see her son is in love. Blake’s stepdad also gets real with him to make sure he totally understands that this sh*t is indeed, bananas. And STILL, everyone is supportive. Becca is THAT charming. If this really does turn out to be another Peter situation, this show is dead to me. Shelly hugs Becca goodbye and says “Come back to Colorado,” and it sounds way more like a threat than a goodbye. Shelly is my new favorite person.

Still in Colorado

Colton is also from Colorado. He takes Becca shopping and then to a children’s hospital for the most heartwarming hometown date I’ve ever seen. Colton’s enormous family is ready to evaluate this bizarre relationship. We discuss Colton’s virginity an excessive amount. His mother even says how “private” it is, and yet, we’re talking about it on national television almost as much as we talked about how Nick and Liz met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Tia and Colton: Part 2

The girls are back in town, ready to help Becca with some tough decisions once again. Becca dishes on the guys, and says Jason is the best kisser, which makes a little bit of my soul die and I’m not sure why. Again: buffalo wings. Idk. Becca glazes over Blake’s date like it doesn’t matter, which gives me anxiety.

And then… the “big”not surprising shocking moment. Tia pulls Becca aside to chat and reveals that she still has feelings for Colton. Why else would Tia be here on this windy ass rooftop? This season was seriously lacking a villain, since Becca sent home so many trash men early on. So instead, we have this little love triangle to dwell on. I’m just over here waiting for Colton to go home so Blake can get more camera time.

Speaking of getting more camera time, OLASCH gives Colton some man-to-man advice on whether or not he needs to sleep with Becca during fantasy suites. Chris Harrison explains that it takes two to tango, and I realize this may be Colton’s first birds and bees talk. But, we quickly realize this conversation is irrelevant.

You get a rose, and you get a rose, and you get a rose.

Four men, three roses. Rightfully so, Blake gets the first rose. It matches his adorable red bow tie splendidly. The second rose goes to Buffalo Bill Jason and his slicked back hair. And finally, Garrett takes home the third rose. Colton is sent back home to Momma Donna. At least now he doesn’t need to figure out whether or not he should or should not lose his virginity in a fantasy suite, and Chris Harrison doesn’t have to give any more dad talks.

It’s been a true pleasure being here, bach babies. Your Queen Mother Ali Mierzejewski will be back next week to navigate you through the ebbs and flows of the fantasy suites with her ever present wit and charm.

Here for the wrong reasons,

M