I’m going to start this recap off with being an unapologetic fan of Demi, so if you don’t want to read 4,000 on that you can kindly GTFO.

Second hot take: What’s up with these bootleg SnapChat videos they make Colton record at the beginning of each episode? He’s… they’re… it’s all just boring and, quite frankly, hard to watch because I get secondhand embarrassment. It makes me want to throw up a la Onyeka in that dumpster during the credits, immediately after bragging about how much foreign food she eats on her travels.

After that disaster, OLASCH waltzes into the mans and intentionally calls Hannah B. “Caelynn” and truly, that alone has fueled me through this workweek. He’s then all, “We’re going to Singapore!” and we all learn that none of the women here know where that is.

Colton clears up any confusion about what/where Singapore is by explaining that it has both lights and buildings. So.

Taking the Leap

The first one-on-one date card goes to Tayshia (out loud, I say: “wait, who?”), and Colton validates my feelings by saying it’s because he feels like he doesn’t know her too well and their relationship is not as strong as the others. Truthfully, that’s a smart use of a one-on-one. Is Colton doing The Bachelor with Settlers-of-Catan-levels of strategy? (Spoiler: probably not.) Tayshia is v excited. Hannah B. stares into a mirror and watches the tears run mascara streams down her face.

Tayshia and Colton take a walk on the beach to a bungee jumping situation, which becomes this great metaphor for taking a chance, overcoming your fears, and opening yourself up to someone else, but, you know, it’s The Bachelor, so all poetic justice is just thrown out the window.

At dinner, Tayshia tells Colton that she is divorced and, truly, I shrug because tbh, everyone’s divorced, right? Anyway, in the world of The Bachelor, divorce is like the plague, try not to catch it. It’s a BFD for Tayshia for legit reasons—as a Christian woman, she only planned on marrying once—but she’s also on TV trying to get married again, so I don’t really know what I believe in anymore.

Colton says he can relate to Tayshia’s divorce because his parents are divorced (See! Everyone’s divorced!), but that’s not the same thing so I roll my eyes as he hands her a rose and they go ride a Ferris wheel. Both of their branding is v inconsistent on this date re: whether or not they like heights.

Vampires, get in line ?‍♂️ #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/k3qCmIFMvY

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 29, 2019

The Group Date Explores ~~Hannah B.’s Insecurities~~ Singapore

The group date card comes and goes to Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicol, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B.

OK, here we go: Demi is maybe the best player at the game of The Bachelor. It’s truly unprecedented. Usually people like Corinne, or even Crystal during Arie’s season, are full drama and low strategy, but Demi is on a whole other level. She’s the real MVP. She has Colton into her enough that she gets the group date rose, while simultaneously making all of the other ladies lose their minds. On a group date with 13 OTHER PEOPLE, Demi gets a piggyback ride from Colton through most of it. I swear to OLASCH if she is not on Paradise, I will lose my mind.

On the group date, the whole time Hannah B. is like “OMG he’s completely ignoring me. He won’t even look at me,” which is—wow—such relatable levels of dramatics. I’m a #modernwoman, but if you’re not making eye contact, I’m freaking out for 2.5 weeks.

They wander through a street market where a fortune teller tells Cassie and Colton they were siblings in a past life, and end up going to “The Leech Lady.” If you ever see a handwritten sign on the street that reads “Leech Lady,” I advise you not to go in. Anyway, this lady probably overcharges ABC to put leeches on these girls. Hannah B. makes a joke about hers being Caelynn, while Demi brags about how much blood the leech takes from her, claiming she has the sweetest blood (#queen). Courtney asks if the leeches are FDA approved and lol for so many reasons, the main one being that you’re in a foreign country.

Then, they eat different animal parts, all hoping to impress Colton with their ability to eat foods the people of Singapore probably eat daily. I’m bored! Not enough Demi!

Finally, at the evening portion of the date, I get enough Demi to make up for everyone else on that group date being super boring.

She tells Colton that Courtney “attacked” her and is “the cancer of the house,” which I am fully willing to admit here is a gross over exaggeration of what happened and a terrible choice of words. However, it is a choice of words from which Courtney cannot bounce back. When she confronts Demi about it, Demi does not hesitate to admit that she’s the one who said it, and sticks to her guns. The only thing I care about defending as defiantly as Demi defended herself is that when you’re walking on a sidewalk, you walk on the same side of the street as you would when you’re driving in your car, people of New York City. Please get out of the way. Same goes for staircases. Also if you’re going to just stand on an escalator and let the magic stairs carry you up to your destination, please stand to the right, so that others can pass you on the left. Oh hey look! That’s also a traffic rule. Omg.

Demi and Courtney go at it about how Courtney isn’t going after Colton at all—and look, Demi’s not wrong here. Courtney says that Demi is “too confident,” but like… it’s The Bachelor, so what is confidence anyway? Instead of taking advantage of this time and using it to talk to Colton, Courtney continues to give Demi a lecture (as discussed last week, you cannot lecture the delusional), and Demi is basically like “f*ck this” and goes to tell Colton about her mom getting released from federal prison instead. (I said it once and I’ll say it again: GIMME THAT HOMETOWN).

Then Demi gets the group date rose and I actually stand up and walk around my room, arms in the air, yelling “HEYOOOOOOOOOOO.” Girl came to play.

Caelynn Speaks Up

Wowee wow wow. Let’s just jump right in to the meat of this date, shall we?

Holy wow, was I proud of ABC. Caelynn telling Colton about her rape was incredibly brave, powerful, and important. What happens to Caelynn happens to women all the time. And look! She even did the “right” thing (I put “right” in quotes because, like, how dare anyone tell you how to handle your own assault) and reported it right away and tried to get a rape kit from two hospitals, and couldn’t. ONE HOSPITAL TURNED HER AWAY. AWAY?!?!? AWAY.

She tells this hugely powerful story with the grace, strength, and poise of a true queen. She sits there and listens to Colton’s response—which is not great, more on that later—and takes it all in, knowing that she told this immensely personal, traumatic story with the chance that it would not be heard. With the risk that someone could say something hateful, she did it on national TV. Listen, Caelynn, I got your back. You’re heard. You’re seen. And we’re here for you. You’re a hero—and I hope you inspired many.

Anyway, Colton’s response was cringeworthy. I guess he felt the need to respond by telling his ex-girlfriend’s story about being sexually assaulted (hi, not yours to tell; and definitely not yours to tell on national TV), and then somehow linking her abuse with him being a virgin. It was… well, it was.

But sharing this story deepened their connection and Caelynn gets the rose. (She also got that date on which ~~ABC~~ Colton buys her a ton of fancy stuff and the girls are all super jealous and whatever. None of this matters; Caelynn’s a warrior.)

Cocktail Party

Hannah B. and Caelynn decide to call a truce on their feud, but I imagine that won’t last long, while Hannah G. and Colton have a real hard makeout sesh on Colton’s bed.

Courtney gets incredibly frustrated that she still hasn’t spoken to Colton yet, so she makes the best of her time and…. confronts Demi again. She comes after her maturity level (we saw how well that worked out for Emotionally Intelligent Taylor) and says something about Demi having no class, which reads very much like:

And truthfully, that part made me #TeamHallie and hate Annie.

Rose Ceremony

Caelynn, Demi, and Tayshia all have the coveted date roses, and the reminder of the bouquet go to:
Hannah G.: Bedfellow
Elyse: Still my fave
Kirpa: In need of a Hail Mary
Sydney: NBA dancer
Heather: Hannah B.’s ride or die
Onyeka: Threw up in a dumpster
Nicole: I truly can’t remember who Nicole is
Demi: Star, icon, legend.
Katie: Sushi
Cassie: Colton’s sister
Hannah B.: “Caelynn”

Which means that Courtney and Tracy—Is it a coincidence those are Demi’s two biggest enemies? I DO NOT THINK SO—had to give their sad goodbye hugs and sashay away.

Until next week, when hopefully it’s that ep. during which Colton jumps over a fence.

Sorry, not sorry,

Photos: ABC