🎶’Cause he’s got the golden undies.
He’s got a golden chance to make Becca bae.
‘Cause with the golden undies, J will sureeeeeelyyyyy slay.🎶

Let’s recap!

The Prodigal Son Returns

We pick up where we left off at the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party, which is with me Becca falling in love with Blake. He says a whole bunch of stuff to her that proves he’d be a super good husband, but stops her in her tracks with dropping the bomb that he’s looking to have five kids. She responds by just making her face this emoji: 😯, then laughing too hard, and heading off to talk to Jordan.

Fashion Icon Jordan Kimball decides the best way to make the most of his time is by not wearing a tie. He explains in some sort of weird way that this is a metaphor for how mysterious and spontaneous he is, because—holy sh*t!—that shirt is made for a tie and he’s not wearing one. Becca, who loves Jordan and his antics significantly less than I do, obviously doesn’t care at all, but she does give Jordan a gift: A pair of golden short shorts. He’s ~living~ for them and tbh, so am I. He responds with (once again) the perfect thing: “I can’t wait to brush my teeth in these.” He has so many flaws, and yet, is flawless.

Then (dun dun dun) during this ~moment~ David returns from the hospital. It should be noted here that while David does indeed look like he fell out of the top bed of a bunk bed and hit his face on the floor—because lol that’s literally what he did—he doesn’t look awful. Jordan, however, cannot believe how truly messed up his face is. He is appalled. But, he muses, it’s all karma: “I talk to God every day. People who go against me end up hurt sometimes.”

Stitch. That. On. A. Throw. Pillow. For. Me. Please.

Becca pulls David aside and gives him Clay’s abandoned rose and then sends him to bed because it pains her to look at his bruised and broken face doctor’s orders!

Rose Ceremony: Part I

With David, Chris, and Colton all rosed up, the remaining roses from last week go to:

  • Jason: Andrew Keegan
  • Wills: Nerd
  • Nick, who is wearing a track suit because you gotta make your bid for Paradise somehow, I guess
  • Christon: Harlem Globetrotter
  • Lincoln: The Worst
  • Blake: The Future Mr. Mierzejewski
  • Garrett: That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
  • Leo: His hair is still his only defining characteristic
  • Venmo John
  • Connor: Overlooked and underappreciated
  • Jordan: Oozing with professionality
  • Jean Blanc: Why though?
  • Farewell to Banjo Ryan and Not Leo Man Bun Mike!

Ugh, Garrett 🙄

Becca announces to her remaining garbage heap suitors that they’re going to Park City, Utah, and truly, it is beautiful. Garrett gets the first one-on-one date card, and that is truly, not at all beautiful. They meet Olympic bobsledders and real-life successful couple Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock. Then they go bobsledding. You get it.

Things they don’t talk about: Garrett’s opinions on guns and immigrants and women and children who feel unsafe in their own schools. Things they do talk about: Nothing, Minnesota, how “great” this day is, nothing, “home” (which is Minnesota), more nothing, and then, finally, nothing. It’s basically like they throw a lot of words at each other that all individually mean something, but when strung together by these two people, have zero actual meaning.

There is a brief interlude on this spectacularly boring date to return to the guys back to where they’re all corralled up and we learn that Lincoln actually believes the world is flat, and is so insistent on it that me and the friends with whom I watched this—shout out to Tim C. and Chris B.—all were like, “Wait, are we the ones who are wrong?” We are, of course, not, and Lincoln continues to be The Worst.

Back to the one-on-one where Garrett completely skims over his last whirlwind romance that ends in divorce. The most important part of this conversation is that he says that he’s the first person to get divorced in his bloodline. This is important because he actually uses the word “bloodline.” Which is not how most people refer to their families and leaves me so, so, so unsettled. Becca, who I guess is really just trying to make the most out of the hand—or I guess, group of men—she was dealt, gives him a rose and is so into him that I 100-percent think Garrett will be this season’s “winner.” They finish up by going to a Granger Smith concert, who I have never heard of but Tim C. vouches for, so I guess look him up on Spotify?

Lumberjack Group Date

Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc all go on the group date, which means sweet, nerdy Wills gets the final one-on-one of the week! They meet real-life lumberjacks and real-life couple Kendall and Billy. They teach the men how to do all sorts of lumberjack tasks, like chopping a stump in half, throwing an ax, and flipping a log.

Then, they do some sort of relay race through multiple lumberjack-related tasks they learned. It’s called Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash and there’s a banner and I die a little inside. Here, you can just have the video because like, who cares honestly.

The best part about this group date is that we finally hear Venmo John speak and he surprisingly succeeds at all the lumberjacking tasks. So much so that Becca gives him an award in the form of a giant stump with a golden ax in it and I can only think of two things:

  1. What the f*ck is he supposed to do with that? How is he supposed to travel with that?
  2. Not as good as golden undies

Speaking of golden undies, Jordan wears his to the cocktail party and the men have had it. l’ll say it once and I’ll say it again, DUDES, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO REASON WITH JORDAN. It is an impossible task. Colton decides the best way to deal with this “clown” is to confront him. Whywhywhywhywhy. It’s a useless and dumb fight that they have, and I don’t care about it all that much because I am already too invested in the Jordan v. David feud. Also, friendly reminder, Colton, that gold underwear that is making you so mad was a gift from Becca to Jordan. He’s just trying to have a little fun and lighten up this drab mess of a season. Sit down, Colton.

Then the most uncomfortable series of events occurs:

  1. Jason and Becca kiss. This is unrelated to the rest of the list, but it was so gross, I actually recoiled watching it.
  2. Jean Blanc gives Becca her own custom-created perfume called, “Miss Becca Blanc.” I almost vom.
  3. They kiss, and although it’s far less gross than her kiss with Jason, Becca is not really feeling it. You can tell she’s unsure, and maybe about to say something when…
  4. Leo interupts! But have no fear: JB is not ready to give up just yet and comes back.
  5. JB tells her that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.
  6. Becca panics, pumps the breaks, and sends him home.
  7. Then he backtracks hard and tells her that he was lying; he just said that because it’s what he thought she wanted to hear. What?
  8. I think he’s about to ask her for the perfume back, but he does not, and I am disappointed.

Becca is so shook by this conversation that she doesn’t give out a group date rose, and just goes home and back to bed. It is a huge overreaction to this meaningless relationship that just ended, but feel your feelings, girl.

Wills You Accept This Rose?

When she shows up for this date, Becca is (inexplicably) still harping on the whole Jean Blanc situation from the night before and at this point I roll my eyes because I get that she feels disrespected, but like who even was Jean Blanc and who cares. Anyway, Wills has to deal with this so he’s already nervous going into the date, but the date ends up going really well for him, despite the fact that most of it revolves around them riding on two separate two-seater snowmobiles. Why not ride together?

Over some cuddles and champagne, Wills is so darn sweet and charming that he is able to bring Becca back from her dark, Jean-Blanc-hating abyss and cheer her up. They kiss and have a snowball fight and then it’s time for dinner, where Wills opens up about his past relationship. Wills talks about how he dated a girl pretty seriously for three years and they were talking about kids and marriage, but then she asked for a “hall pass.” After he said no, she took another man to the place where they celebrated “many anniversaries” and Wills saw them there. Becca can relate because her last relationship also involved a love triangle, and she also got dumped by a douchebag. (Can you believe for one second I almost forgot about Arie?!) Wills gets the rose and we all get to hope that this week doesn’t deliver us news of a scandal of him also being a trash heap of a person.

Rose Ceremony: Part II

Because the show needed to be edited for time Becca is confident in her decision, we go straight to the chopping block rose ceremony. Wills and Garrett (ew) have roses and the remaining go to:

  • Leo: I just…
  • Colton: Tia’s boyfriend
  • Blake: My boyfriend
  • Jason: Gross kisser
  • Connor: This dude needs to step up his game so much, I don’t even have a quippy one-liner to write here to describe him.
  • Lincoln: Asshat
  • Venmo John
  • Chris: Oh right, this guy.
  • David: Jordan’s nemesis
  • Jordan: Nothing compares 2 u

So long, Track Suit Nick and Harlem Globetrotter Christon!

Jordan is appalled at being given the last rose, and claims he’s never been last place at anything. Had David been in his ITM, he would’ve attempted to point out to Jordan here that he technically isn’t in last place—last place is reserved for that blast from Becca’s past guy who she sent home before the first rose ceremony even happened. Then Jordan would’ve said something snarky about David’s chicken suit or pointed out that he never thanked him for drilling that guard rail on his bunk bed. Then David would’ve gotten irrational angry trying to reason with an insane person.

Anyway, next week we head to Vegas, where all of my Jordan vs. David battle royale two-on-one dreams come to fruition! (Did anyone watch those strangers get engaged on the proposal? Pls @ me.)

Here’s What I Really Want to Talk About

You guys. Ashley I. and Jared got engaged. Engaged. If you recall, last week, I was still emotionally shook from them just being together—and, well, this damn near killed me. I am SO here for this Bachelor in Paradise couple. I am SO here for them being engaged already. I am SO here for this wedding being on Bachelor in Paradise because I care SO much more about this wedding than Carly and ED’s (like congrats, guys, really, but I didn’t need to be there). Here for all of it. I am alive.

Final thought: There was not enough Chris Harrison in this episode.

I went from Captain Underpants to Captain Just Took Everyone’s Girl,
A

Photos: ABC