We’re doing things a bit differently on this here road trip. While I normally take pride in my awesome travel recs, this time around I’m sending out a ⚠️WARNING⚠️. Trust me, I am doing you a favor.
If you joined me on my last journey, you’ll remember that I gave a shout out to The Greatest Bachelor Books You Will Ever Meet. The collection of books may not have been Pulitzer Prize contenders, but they had some redeeming qualities to them.
As for this other group of books by has-beens former contestants, not so much. If a Bach alum wants to write a memoir that is basically a tell-all in disguise, fine. It may not be quality content, but at least it is full of insightful stories (read: gossip). Some of these lads and lassies got a little too cocky, and ventured into the world of poetry, health, food, and—I kid you not—fiction! Check out my list of Banned Bachelor Books so you know which titles to steer clear of the next time you look to throw a read into your work bag.
Thanks, But No Thanks
The Princess of Nowhere
by Prince Lorenzo Borghese, The Bachelor, season 9
ABC got us a prince… from the faraway land of New Jersey. While Prince Lorenzo was technically a royal, ABC sure did go out of its way to play up his “title” to their advantage.
But really, who let this guy write his own novel? The book jacket describes the book as “a captivating and richly atmospheric re-imagining of the life of the author’s famous ancestor, Princess Pauline Bonaparte Borghese.”
So not only is Prince L using his post-ABC power to write a book that no one asked for, but he is also using the power of his great-great-great aunt, twice removed (this is not fact-checked. I literally just made that up) to drum up some type of a storyline. YAWN.
The Man Code: A Woman’s Guide to Cracking the Tough Guy
by David Good, The Bachelorette, season 5
Everything about this book title screams misogynistic. I have no further comments.
Diamonds and Hearts—A Poetic Memoir
by Chris Siegfried, The Bachelorette, season 9 and Desiree Hartsock, The Bachelor, season 17 and The Bachelorette, season 9
Never forget Chris’ collection of poems that he gifted Des with during The Bachelorette. I’m not sure I’ve ever rolled my eyes as much as I did when ABC tortured us showed us that special moment.
Honestly, I took a gander at some of these pages, and I got confused for a hot second and thought I was reading my third grade cousin’s poem for her English composition class. I think it’s safe to say that Emily Dickinson was rolling in her grave when this collection made it to print.
To be fair, my mind was made up on Chris’ poetry skills before this book was even a thing. This may be the most profound collection of poems ever written, but I will never know because I simply cannot will myself to read it in its entirety. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Does that mean I have good taste? Absolutely.
Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling
by Jen Schefft, The Bachelor, season 3 and The Bachelorette, season 3
I’ll keep it short. Jen was rejected on The Bachelor, and then Jen did the rejecting on The Bachelorette. You can basically get the gist of the book from the title. There aren’t too many surprises hidden inside, and while, in theory, I like what Jen was going for here, her self-help book falls somewhat short.
Don’t Be That Girl: A Guide to Finding the Confident, Rational Girl Within; The Lose Your Belly Diet; and The Lean Belly Prescription: The Fast and Foolproof Diet & Weight-loss Plan from America’s Top Urgent-Care Doctor
by Travis Stork M.D., The Bachelor, season 8
If you don’t recognize Dr. Stork from The Bachelor, maybe you know him as the host of The Doctors. I’ll give him credit for (sort of) continuing his career in the medical word post-Bach days, but I still don’t want to read these books.
I don’t even need to list these books individually. Every single one targets an insecure female, so at least Travis knows his audience. One of his titles actually has the phrase “Don’t Be That Girl” in it, and TBH that just rubs me the wrong way, Trav.
The Date Night Cookbook: 25 Easy-to-Cook Menus for The Busy Couple
by Meredith Phillips, The Bachelorette, season 2
This couples’ cookbook prides itself in recipes designed for breakfast in bed, picnic lunches, and afternoon tea, so need I say more? OK, fine I will.
- Breakfast in bed sounds good in theory, but is really a hot mess. Not to mention that the couple will have to get out of bed to prepare the meal, just to get back into bed to eat it. Seems a little redundant, don’t you think?
- Picnic lunches are dates that literally only happen in movies.
- Afternoon tea? Did we transport ourselves to 1800s England? I’ll pass on the afternoon tea, but I will take an iced coffee. Please and thank you!
Listen, Mer, it’s nothing personal, but if I’m going to actually buy a cookbook or a recipe guide, I’m thinking I should venture a little outside of the Bachelor Nation franchise.
Chocolate Socks
by Holly Durst, The Bachelor, season 12
It can’t get worse than Prince Lorenzo’s novel… or, can it? Holly, not even your Bachelor status can put you on Dr. Suess level.
The description is as follows: “What two things do you like best in the whole world? Close your eyes. Dream of putting those two things together. Dream of inventing something new! What will it be? Maybe it will be something as crazy as Chocolate Socks!”
Could you come up with nothing better than chocolate socks? Chocolate. Socks. While your effort is ~admirable~, when it comes to children’s books, I’ll stick to the classics.
With that, I leave you better off than you started. Be sure to keep these books on the Public Enemy No. 1 list to save yourself—and your commute—from hours of mind-numbing reads.
